I went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 2.30am. I have been tossing and turning in bed and just couldnt get myself to sleep. I was dreaming about a meeting i had yesterday in the office with a group of theatre production folks and i woke up worrying about the steep quotation they have given me and how if this fund raising theatre event will be successful or not. I couldnt get it off my mind, so i watched some television, still it didnt work..so i turned off the lights and tried to sleep again. My mind wondered off and begin worrying about other things, like the IT project that im handling at work and how everything cost money for the charity organization and how i can help lower the expenses. I worried about the bad economic news and the recession. Then i began to worry about not being able to carry my daughter these past weeks and if my daughter will feel neglected etc. I just couldnt stop my mind from worrying worrying worrying.... I feel so inadequate and insecure now I want to dig a hole and hide myself.
Having said all these, I know why i am awake now in the middle of the night.. It is because in roughly 3.5 hours time. I will know if my pregnancy is viable or not after the scan. It is the main source of my restlessness and every other worries i am experiencing at this moment are just a manifestation of that 1 big anxiety.
I look at my dogs sleeping on the floor in my bedroom and i wondered what is going through their minds, maybe they can sense my anxiety.. maybe they r just little naive creatures blessed to be free from worries and stress unlike us human beings.
I feel like crying now. I dont know how to cope with this feeling i am having now. I guess the way i feel right now is due to the fact that i have had a previous miscarriage before and i fear having to go through it again. I fear it more than IVF itself..x 10000 times.
Dear heavenly father, please let things go smoothly tomorrow and bless me with a smooth 9 months pregnancy and a healthy child ...