Friday, 14 November 2008

i think im depressed? I like to think im healing

Yesterday i went back to work as there was a deadline for a proposal to be submitted. When i got back to the office. My desk has been taken over by the new general manager they hired. Let me give you some background understanding, I am a graduate who decided not to continue with a full time career for the sake of work live balance. I am hired by this company as a contract hourly paid worker, they told me i will be in charge of the operations manager portfolio of the charity organization. I work 2 days a week.

When the new full time staff walked into the office, she told me my seat is assigned to her now. I said to her" are you saying I'm bumped out of my desk" she said, yes since you are here on part time basis. I decided to end the war there and started packing my files and stuffs and computer files and let her have that seat. Honestly, i am just too exhausted from my pregnancy lost and surgery to react to this. There were no available computers left in the office and no desk space too. So i went around looking for computer parts (cpu sitting at the corner, monitor at the other, wires etc) Good thing i know how to fix up a computer, I sat on the floor of the mini library where there is a desk space for me there.. and set up the computer to working condition. Then i dust off a layer of dust from the table, set aside the old newspaper cuttings and arrange my files nicely on my make shift new desk space. The new manager felt bad and came to offer help and i told her calmly " don't you worry, it isn't your fault, its just that the situation is such and we'll make do with it"

I told my husband about what happened and he told me that maybe the boss wanted me out now that they finally hire a full timer. I told him that they dont need to do that because my contract has ended and they just need not renew it if they want me to leave, they just given me a renewal. Then he concluded that thats how things are if you are a hourly paid person, the organization always treats a full time worker with more value and commitment. I told him his words aint making me feel better. All i wanted was him to speak gently with comfort and maybe suggest something sweet to do later. Anyway i got the proposal done and submitted yesterday. I left the office at 4.30pm to drop off the proposal at the donor's office. After i dropped it off, I walked pass a very crowded temple along waterloo street. The temple praying area spread to the outside of the main entrance. I was overwhelmed with a sudden sadness and neediness and felt drawn to go in and cry my eyes out. I left.

I woke up this morning feeling really sad. Husband and I went for a short walk and i felt frustrated with him for making me feel so alone. I sat by my condominium pool and felt tears in my eyes. So here am i now, I think its part and parcel of the grief process.

4 comments:

  1. Tintedsky

    My hear breaks for you when I saw this post. Such is life, and even employers who advocate things like 'work-life' balance does not really practise what they preach - this coming from years of work experience I have.

    Stay positive, it's almost Xmas and a good time to remember the blessings which we have..

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  2. What a blow to have your space invaded (and it WAS your space) after all you have been through. I am glad your manager at least showed a bit of compassion, but why would they just put someone in your space and not get you a new spot to set up? Sorry you are hurting, I hope it gets better.

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  3. Hi sister,
    Dont despair. It seems like your workplace got bitches who are even more bitter than you right now. Dont let her negative energy get you. Its ok to feel sad. For the next two months, maybe you like to try some herbs that help you to feel better.


    I can send to you or you go to any health food store. Find hypericum or also known as st john's worts with passion flower. Take 1 tablet 3 times a day. It calms your nerve. And take some fish oil (ps: Not cod liver oil) Omega 3 could help to alleviate your mood swing.Take 1 capsule 3 times a day, And some vitamin B complex.

    On top of all the immunity boost supplement i give you. Please surround yourself with nice things, family, dogs,kids and happy people.

    love sis

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  4. Here's something soothing to chill out at home, add two drops of lavender,ylang ylang oil and sweet orange oil to your water in burner... Sit back enjoy and enjoy a hot cup of watever..

    hugs,
    sis

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