Saturday, 8 March 2008

dream away

If i could dream myself away from my maddening worries now, it would be to a happy place such as this.. in a aromatic field of lavender.. i would be laying down on that 1 shady spot in the shadow of the tree. And when i wake up , i would hear the peaceful melody orchestrated by the fields of lavenders conducted by wind....

Turning to hope

Went to my lighthouse church's miracle service at 7pm. This is my church for the past 6 years.
During the service, a fellow church helper prayed together with me. She told me that we have to accept the Lord's timing as the right timing. This really struck a cord with me. I mean, at the end of the entire wait, may it take weeks or months or maybe years.. i know that Lord will eventually bless me with a successful pregnant and birth a second child.

My blog WAS really meant to have a fairy tale ending

I did the hpt last evening and also this morning at 5.30am. The first test result showed a very faint ghost line of a positive... and so is the second one, did not turn darker. I turned on the pc and found out that the half time for pregnayl is 33hours, which means the hpt is likely registering the residual pregnayl in my system and giving me a false faint ghost line of a positive.

At 5.30am this morning, i cried my eyes out... I am so disappointed i couldnt help it but grief for losing the unborn child that i suppose to bear. I felt like i am breaking apart, each time i set eyes on the hpt... my heart cracks further. Its 14 days from retrieval. If i am pregnant, my hpt should begin registering more hcg isnt it???? Why Why Why....... All i want is to stay chubby and pregnant and have swollen feets and aching backs and then become a milking cow when the baby's born, all i want is to give unconditional love.

I feel so weak from battling infertility right now. I never thought i would feel like giving up, but right now at this very moment... i feel like i havent an ounce of strength to carry on.
I need a miracle for my monday's beta blood test.

Friday, 7 March 2008

day 13 past retrieval

Yesterday was my last session of acupuncture. I completed a total of 10 sessions and the total cost is roughly S$800, thats about USD$600. The acupuncture needles are inserted post embryo transfer on the head, between the eyes, right ears, wrist and legs. Needles were inserted on the tummy area prior transfer.

I do enjoy my sessions. It is relaxing and i love the herb aroma that surrounds the treatment rooms. Most importantly, this acupuncture gives me some form of control over my emotion during IVF. It allows me to think that i am doing some good for the IVF.

I contemplated on whether i should mention this now. But what the heck... i think i should. Ok, last night, hubby brought back 5 hpt and that tempted me to pee on the stick. I am going to resist doing so until today at 6pm. I am afriad that the pregnayl booster shot will still be in my system and give me a false positive..... or worse still.... no positive!! My torture has began the moment i set eyes on those 5 hpts. At any moment when i almost convince myself i should do the home pregnancy test, i would will myself to go to the loo and pee all out before i could take out a hpt.

What would happen if i get 2 lines on the hpt?? I would still be cautious as it still could be the pregnayl. What if i get 2 lines tomorrow ?? I would double check with the one i take today and see if it darkens. And what if it darkens?? I would cautiously wait for my beta test on monday, but i will definitely be waiting with a smile.

I will put my faith in Jesus. That Jesus knows what is best for me.

Another 4.5 hours before i pee on a stick!!
So afriad!!!!

Wednesday, 5 March 2008

Last shot of Pregnayl

This morning was injected with my last dose of Pregnayl 2000. So in roughly 4 days time, i should be able to take a home pregnancy test prior to my blood test on 10 march.

I dont know why, but this time.. i am not so keen to begin peeing on sticks so early. The last IVF, i was peeing on a stick as early as 9 days past retrieval. It was torturing once i started doing that.. the days crept by even slower and even harder to keep a sane mind. So this time.. I wont do a hpt till at least 14 days past retrieval... a bid to save myself from insanity.

Tuesday, 4 March 2008

5 more days to pregnancy test

My beta hcg pregnancy blood test is on the 10 march. I plan to do a home pregnancy test 1 day before it. Hubby and i plan to celebrate my birthday this 11 march only if its a positive. Two lines on a hpt and a + beta test will be best birthday gift ever.

I am going to be 31 in a few days time... i cant believe i am pass 30! I mean... the past few years zipped by so fast i almost felt dizzy.

Having said that, 28 to 30 yrs old of age were my most fulfilling years. My beautiful little one sprouted from a 4 celled embie ( first time i saw her on a scan pic) till where she is now.... giggling and playing around with my pet dog, dancing along with the music... giving hugs and kisses.

Monday, 3 March 2008

9 days past embryo retrieval (7dp2dt)

I am on utrogestan 200mg and crinone twice daily, also injecting Pregnayl 2000 dose for 4 times from period of embryo transfer to pregnancy blood test.

The utrogestan and crinone combination have a sedating effect on me. At some point after taking it, i will feel like i am about to fall asleep, and everything around me is tinted yellow.

I feel so sad, so anxious, so helpless, so alone, so desperate, so emotional during this wait.. I really want to be positive, but the more positive i become, i am setting myself up for a greater disappointment.

Ever since i started on this quest to have a child back in 2004, i have undergone countless of invasive check ups, many blood takings, up to 200 injections of hormones and drugs, 1 healthy pregnancy, 1 miscarriage and 4 sets of ivf 2weeks wait. I am considered a lucky one in this infertility game, i have 1 bouncy 19 months old child from my first successful IVF to comfort me while i try desperately hard to overcome this ivf roller coaster journey that promise me a sibling for my little one. there are many many couples out there who struggled with infertility for many years without success with the same heart's yearning as I to have a child of their own...

Over the past few years, i no longer think of myself as a sexy attractive looking person. I have gained weight and never get to losing it after breastfeeding baby for 6 months, followed quickly by embarking on another round of baby making ivf which ended in an early miscarriage. The grief was turned into strength to continue the 3rd ivf which ended in a bfn (negative) result. I wont say that i deliberated these changes in me, i did not purposely choose to let go of myself, just that something got to give... and its my vanity that i have traded in right now.

I yearn so much for positive pregnancy test next week, a successful pregnancy that follows and another bouncy baby sister or brother for my child. Then after, I can get off the dizzy roller coaster of infertility for good... let it go .. past me... chapter close.

Dear God, please see my heart's desire... please help me.