Saturday, 15 November 2008

12 new things i plan to do

1. Shift my bedroom's furniture to a completely new arrangement. (done that yesterday)

2. Begin healthy eating and portion control

3. Take Omega 3 oil, folic acid, vitamin C, vitamin E for supplement

4. Throw out things that's taking up space in my drawers. the ones i don't need and not used for years.

5. Read a good story book from beginning to the end and really let my imaginations bring me away to the plot like how things was before all these struggles with fertility. ( do recommend me some good ones that you think i should read )

6. Enroll my daughter in a once or twice a week enrichment centre. She is 2 yrs 4 months now.

7. Begin exercise once my surgery area heals completely.

8. Bring bmi down to between 21 to 23.

9. Be positive, smell the flowers and learn how to reabsorb mini pleasures in life.

10. Take the Christmas Tree out of the box and decorate it.

11. Consciously seek out what I have not sought out before. Be open to new experiences, new sources of information.

12. Have Faith in God's plan.

Friday, 14 November 2008

i think im depressed? I like to think im healing

Yesterday i went back to work as there was a deadline for a proposal to be submitted. When i got back to the office. My desk has been taken over by the new general manager they hired. Let me give you some background understanding, I am a graduate who decided not to continue with a full time career for the sake of work live balance. I am hired by this company as a contract hourly paid worker, they told me i will be in charge of the operations manager portfolio of the charity organization. I work 2 days a week.

When the new full time staff walked into the office, she told me my seat is assigned to her now. I said to her" are you saying I'm bumped out of my desk" she said, yes since you are here on part time basis. I decided to end the war there and started packing my files and stuffs and computer files and let her have that seat. Honestly, i am just too exhausted from my pregnancy lost and surgery to react to this. There were no available computers left in the office and no desk space too. So i went around looking for computer parts (cpu sitting at the corner, monitor at the other, wires etc) Good thing i know how to fix up a computer, I sat on the floor of the mini library where there is a desk space for me there.. and set up the computer to working condition. Then i dust off a layer of dust from the table, set aside the old newspaper cuttings and arrange my files nicely on my make shift new desk space. The new manager felt bad and came to offer help and i told her calmly " don't you worry, it isn't your fault, its just that the situation is such and we'll make do with it"

I told my husband about what happened and he told me that maybe the boss wanted me out now that they finally hire a full timer. I told him that they dont need to do that because my contract has ended and they just need not renew it if they want me to leave, they just given me a renewal. Then he concluded that thats how things are if you are a hourly paid person, the organization always treats a full time worker with more value and commitment. I told him his words aint making me feel better. All i wanted was him to speak gently with comfort and maybe suggest something sweet to do later. Anyway i got the proposal done and submitted yesterday. I left the office at 4.30pm to drop off the proposal at the donor's office. After i dropped it off, I walked pass a very crowded temple along waterloo street. The temple praying area spread to the outside of the main entrance. I was overwhelmed with a sudden sadness and neediness and felt drawn to go in and cry my eyes out. I left.

I woke up this morning feeling really sad. Husband and I went for a short walk and i felt frustrated with him for making me feel so alone. I sat by my condominium pool and felt tears in my eyes. So here am i now, I think its part and parcel of the grief process.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

My dog is a pig!

A couple of months ago, I adopted a 5 years old pekingese. His name is Merlin, he was given up twice by 2 owners and stayed in a petshop for a long time. He is a pretty local pekingese and i felt sorry for him so i decided not to buy a puppy and adopted him instead. I now know the reason why he was given up twice. He got a wonderful sweet personality, but is always mildly cautious and stiffens up when carried, thats ok for me, i can understand why. BUT its this other reason that i know caused his pathetic plight, HE SNORES LIKE A PIG WITH MICROPHONE! I mean it! i tolerated him for months sleeping right beside me in the airconditioned bedroom of mine as i didnt want to chase one dog out while my other get to sleep in with me. But let me tell you, Merlin really snores really loudly, he snores louder than my dad whom is the loudest snorer i know of. In fact, merlin's snoring can be heard 2 closed door rooms away. So for the first time last night, I decided to not let merlin into my bedroom, he barked half the night, scratched on my door the other half and what ever left over time that he's asleep, his snores echoed through my closed door! Anyway, he's a lucky dude i've made a commitment to keep him the day i took him home.

Ok, enough said about this pigdog of mine. This is a photo of the culprit.

Monday, 10 November 2008

Sunshining morning

Every morning, i wake up feeling a little better. Today is one such morning. This incident did not deter me from believing in my baby dreams. I think in some cosmic way, it made me more receptive to the good things i already have in my life.