Wednesday, 16 April 2014

On desires and setbacks

It is even hard to begin a sentence, coming from someone like me who haven't written an entry for a long while. I feel a need to write how I feel about some things that is going on in my life right now. I want to write about a desire I have. I want another child. I want to have more children, but we are infertile. Somewhere in the coming month, I will be starting my 10th fully stimulated IVF cycle. 10, yes 10, you didn't see it wrong, its the number 10th. Oh, if i count in the IVF thaw cycles, it will be my 15th round. Yes you got it, 15!

You might think its resilience, or perhaps pure stubbornness. To me, its a desire I cant let go of.

How can anyone still be hopeful after so many setbacks? How can anyone not want to move on when the odds keep stacking against you? Sure thing, I am darn tired of failing. I am darn tired of this whole IVF big fat negatives (did i mention miscarriages yet?) Gosh, its hard to carry on, BUT it will kill me to give up on my desire to have another child right now. Its really a damn if you do, damn if you don't situation. I don't want to live my life regretting giving up too early, and I don't want to have this ordeal of trying again and again sapping the joy out of my life.

I have been fortunate. I have been blessed. I have 2 successes under my belt, and they are 5 and 8 years old today. They are the greatest joy in my life. I thank IVF and God often for them. My challenge now is, to hold on tight to joy in my heart and not let this ordeal of trying for one more rob me more than it should.

Somebody asked me recently
" Why try for the 3rd child when you already been through much for 2?
Why didn't you stop when you were winning, why try and risk feeling like you have lost?"

To state the obvious, I really do not enjoy the roller coast emotional trauma of each failed IVF attempt. Its kills me each time, I felt horrible. Do I have a choice to not carry on? Yes I certainly do. Do I want to give up and carry on with life? Yes I certainly would like to. Can I give up my desire for another child?

I cant. I don't want to. I cannot give up my desire for another child.

I vividly imagine, ardently desire, enthusiastically act upon and pray that this dream of a baby will come to pass.