Waiting for u, baby

HPT is a BFN on 10dp3dt :(

2011-06-05T09:34:00.003+08:00

I feel like a foolish moth, with it's wings broken, after repeatedly flying into the damn glass pane, in hope of getting to the light.

Even though, I have been thru many 2wws over the years, the disappointment of a bfn is still hard to bear. The disappointment feels like grief of lost, that starts from the centre of my heart and radiates out across my chest and into the pit of my stomach.

Tomorrow, I will get my bloodwork done just to give it a closure. I really wish that one of these 2 embryos could be my baby. IF only this could be true...

FET in May

2011-05-12T10:23:00.000+08:00

I love the rain. The morning is pouring rain and i love it. Its been really hot recently, in fact, the hottest week this year. I did not proceed with my FET last month as I've came down with flu and sinusitis. I was on antibiotics for 3 weeks of the month in April. I am glad i am well now.

Right now, I am on day 4 of my menses and has so far taken my 3rd dose of Femara (Letrozole) to prep my body for FET in less than 2 weeks time.
Recently, I have been thinking about how long this ttc been going on. It started 2 years prior to my elder daughter's arrival. She is now almost 5 years old. Infertility is almost ingrained into my identity now. I am thankful that I have my daughters, they are the fruits of my labour.

Couple of days back, I met up with a group of mothers from my daughter's school. During our lunch conversation, we got on the topic of pregnancy and ttc. I casually mentioned that I needed IVF for ttc and felt certain awkwardness from some. It was kind of weird. Nevertheless, I am still going to start firm that i am not going to hide about infertility. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of, hence i shall not let others make me feel this way too. In fact, I feel completely blessed that IVF is an option for me to assist my family in overcoming infertility. One day, I must be an advocate in Infertility Awareness, maybe within me, I already am.

Versatile Blogger Award

2011-05-10T10:44:00.002+08:00

I've got an award! Thanks to the wonderful lady behind lostintranslation. A great IVF blog.

With blog awards come rules, so here they are:

A) Grab the award:

B) Link back to the person who gave it to you:

C) Share 10 things about yourself:

1. I like cool weather, its way too hot here..33 deg/ 92 F

2. I have 2 kids with IVF, a dog and a tank of fish.

3. I like to eat. Food glorious food.

4. I am a handicrafter-wannabe. (my plans include crocheting children stuffs, sewing dresses for my girls, scrapbooking kids photos of their growing up moments)

5. For the first 24 years of my life, I've never thought of ever getting married or being a mother.

6. Today is my 9th year wedding anniversary.

7. My bmi is 25.3. I would like to have a bmi of 21 someday.

8. I live right next to a large beautiful park with many lovely trees, ponds with swans and gorgeous gazebos.

9. My biggest desire at this moment is to have a 3rd child.

10. I love trees.

D) Award 15 recently discovered blogs:( 19! most blogs below are from may/june cycle post of cyclesista, my fav blog)

Cindy @ Raising a man & 2

below list from cyclesista May/June Active Cyclers. Do check out cyclesista

Liz @ Womb For Improvement (IVF #2)
Sarah @ Bio Girl (FET #2 for Baby #2)
S @ Misconceptions About Conception (DE IVF #1)
AdSchill @ MissConception (IVF #1 - TTC #1)
Amy @ This Woman's Work (IVF #2 for baby #1)
Lady Pumpkin @ Planting a Pumpkin Patch (IVF #3 w/ PGD)
New Year Mum @ A Year On... Our New Beginning {hopefully} (FET #2 for baby #2)
Mrs Babydream @ My Journey through IVF (FET #3)
Renee @ Pathway to Parenthood (IVF #3)
Amanda @ Babymaking Fully Exposed (IVF #2 FET)
Baby Hopes @ Chasing Our Stork: Our Journey Through Infertility (IVF #1)
Jen @ The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita (IVF#1)
Magic Mama @ Abracadabra Baby (IVF #3 + PGD)
Jill @ Feelin' IFfy (IVF#1)
Buggy @ A Bug Odyssey: A journey through infertility (IVF+ICSI+PGS #2)
Mom@heart @ InfertilityQueen (IVF#2)
Lindsey @ Adventures of Endo in the Arctic (IVF #1)
Christine Palamara @ C+C Baby Factory (IVF #2)

What IF

2011-04-15T11:25:00.000+08:00

Came across this great video clip on What IF (infertility) and i would like to share it here with you.

What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

April FET - get set go!

2011-04-07T22:06:00.005+08:00

Since the last failed Fresh cycle, I mentioned that I am going to enjoy my life while waiting for the next cycle, recover from the back to back bfns setbacks and bounce back on this IVF wagon in due course.
I have done most of the things i have set out to do before starting this April cycle. Some of the stuffs I have done include having a wonderful getaway to Phuket, hiked in Nepal and had teas and meal with the villagers. Started running up to 4 times a week. Did my bird poo facial. Did my Balinese massages. Had fun family time at universal studio. Carried, cuddled, swing and ran with my children a thousand times. Life has been good.

I am all ready for my FET. I am expecting to start my FET medication, Letrozole instead of clomid this time, on day 2- 6 of my menses cycle. I am expecting the flow anytime now. Dr asked me to take 1000iu of vitamin D as daily supplement. I have 2 remaining day3 4cells embryos. I am hoping that it will work. And should it not work, I have plan to follow that up with my 7th fresh IVF cycle in May in hope for a third child.

Wish me luck.

bfn

2011-01-27T12:16:00.000+08:00

Beta turned out 26, that confirms my earlier suspicion that the beta number is due to my pregnyl booster injections. Game over for me.

12dp3dt

2011-01-27T11:58:00.000+08:00

I did my Beta blood test this morning and still waiting for the results. I feel like a target duck in a shooting range waiting to be shot down, at the same time pray for good news. Gosh, Trepidation is how i feel now.

Today

2011-01-26T14:47:00.003+08:00

Today, i am still entitled to feel as if I am pregnant. PUPO.

Today, i can still believe that my embryos hadnt left me

Today, i can still think that the symptoms im having is due to a growing embryo instead of the multiple drugs in my body

Today, i can still anticipate a possibility of a good news

Today, i can still touch my belly and feel love radiating from my womb

Today, i can believe i am still in the game

Today, i imagine my beta is going to turn out just right and i am going to be blessed with good news

Today, i can visualise my baby's heart beating in another 2 weeks time

Today, i close my eyes and imagine the feeling of happiness of a congratulatory greetings for tomorrow's beta

Today i can imagine the twinkle in my husband's eyes and the tension release.

Today, i can still remain hopeful

CTOC - Common Things Occur Commonly

2011-01-25T11:55:00.005+08:00

After browsing through endless beta forums and recalling my ivf experiences. I come to a conclusion that (CTOC) common things occur commonly. The fact that my beta is 17 on 12dpo or 9dp3dt. It is low. Based on the CTOC theory, my chances for a bfp is 10% while a bfn is 90%. To think about it, a bfn is not that bad, it is better than a miscarriage and it is better than an ectopic pregnancy of both i had suffered in the past.

So, these are my rough plans on what i am going to do if it's a bfn

1. Go to the Thai brewery Tawadang @ dempsey and drink to my heart's content.
2. Treat myself to a Kyoto Bird Poo facial. (A special bird droppings collected and processed with stringent control in Japan, it suppose to be really great for the skin)
3. Weekly Balinese Massage.
4. Begin to jog twice a week.
5. Go on a healthy weight lost diet.
6. Take up course in cake decorating on royal icing at Artistiq Sugarcraft
7. Bake more cakes, decorate more cakes and give as gifts.
8. Go to the newly opened Universal Studio and have fun with family.
9. Plan for a short weekend holiday in Feb
10. Tag along with husband to a conference held in Austria in March. Bring the kids along.
11. Groom myself better. Stop neglecting my outer appearance.

If its a bfp, there is only 1 thing i want to do. That is smile all day all night long. :)

With patience, my desire for a 3rd child will come true. 10% chance that it might be this round... 90% chance it might be the next few rounds (1 FET and 2 fresh cycles before i call it quits by end of 2011).

Hope or no hope....

2011-01-24T16:02:00.003+08:00

3 days ago, i did my pregnyl hcg booster injection and 2 days back, i did a beta hcg blood test (10 dpo or 7dp3dt) my beta was 23. The result on 10dpo was inconclusive as its only 1 day after my booster injection, the hcg booster med would have still be in my system. Today, I did another beta blood test and my beta is 17. It is again, inconclusive it seem. My hcg booster med in my system would have fallen quite a bit over 3 days... but how do i interpret the beta of 17 for 12 dpo? Still hcg booster residue?? Or bfp??? You see, I thought i will skip POAS this time by going to get my beta done early at the hospital lab, it was a silly thing to do... I am in more agony then if i had depended on POAS.

To make things trickier, the nurse called and told me that i should come in for beta blood test on 27th instead of 25th as previously scheduled as it slipped her mind that that i was on hcg booster shots. So this coming Thursday. I will know better by then.

My tummy is so bloated due to water retention, i feel like i have gained lots of weight from not moving much and not exercising. I truly feels like a hippo. I dont want to be a sad hippo and have bfn. I want to be a happy hippo with a bfp. I feel so horrible right now, thinking that this ivf no. 6 or if i counted the FET, it will be IVF cycle no. 8 might ended as a negative... I will be heart broken. The truth is, i really dont know if I can get pregnant with this cycle. I really dont wish it to be negative. I just been dealt with a BFN last month with my FET, i am not ready for another BFN so soon. I pray for divine intervention.

PUPO

2011-01-19T14:05:00.001+08:00

I just discovered a new fertility term after being in this IVF circle for almost 6 years.
PUPO! It's pregnant until proven otherwise. I am PUPO!

3dp3dt updates

2011-01-18T15:56:00.000+08:00

As i have planned, i came back from my japan holiday and got into the serious business of ivf. I had a fantastic trip, Kyoto's autumn is magical.

I did my FET in the beginning of December 2010. 2 frosties were thawed and transferred. Both are day 3 embryos at 3 and 4 cells respectively. After 4 days of bedrest, Christmas feasting and many POAS later, i got a bfn blood test.

I embarked on a fresh IVF the following cycle. My doc recommended that I add in growth hormones for this cycle. I took it. My ER was on 12th Jan 2011, collected 13 eggs ( thats quite a good number for me) , 12 mature and 7 fertilised with ICSI. Fertilization rate was not so fantastic at about 60% compared to 100% the last fresh cycle. ET was on 15th Jan 2011. Transferred 3 good quality day 3 embryos of 6, 8, 8 cells.

So here am I, 3dp3dt. My embryos are 6 days old now and anytime from today and the next 3 days. It should implant and nestled onto my uterus. My beta blood test is on the 24th of Jan. I have a good feeling about this round. Keeping my fingers crossed and praying for a BFP.

FET after Japan Kyoto Holiday Trip

2010-10-23T01:12:00.000+08:00

Its been a few months since I've written an entry here. My 2nd child will be 1 year old this November. I have been fine, i am still chubby, weighing 64kgs, still struggling to control my diet with not much enthusiasm. I guess at the back of my mind, I figured that I am going to gain weight if i get pregnant again so might as well just wait till I'm done with child bearing before i start some serious dieting. Well, that's the way i justify for now. :)

I will be travelling to Kyoto for a short holiday in Nov. When I'm back, I will begin prepping my body for FET by taking Clomid when my November menses begins, if all goes well, my transfer will be in mid December.

The abouts

2010-06-28T15:48:00.002+08:00

About Weaning
My little baby is going to be 8 months soon. How time flies. I have been breastfeeding her until about a week ago. I switched her from breast to bottle formula and expressed breast milk. And when mommy feels a little sad about weaning her, I latch her on my breast for comfort feeding. Comfort for mommy and baby.

About Self Image
Lately, I have been meeting up with mothers and some of them are so slim and still looking so attractive. I cant help feeling like a frumpy cow. Where did i leave my self esteem at? I need to go find my 'element' again. But seriously, when my tummy rumbles, i feed it, and i feel it well. Sometimes, I smother it with too much. The thought of depriving myself from the one thing that gives me pleasure and comfort ( glorious food!) still seems too hard on me.

About IVF again
I desire to have more children. And i think having 3 kids to love sounds very very fulfilling as a family. So, in order to have a shot at getting a 3rd child. I need to have my menses back. Where are you menses? I plan to use my 2 frozen embryos on the 3rd menses cycle. My frosties are not the best quality. One is 4 cells and another is 3 cells and both are day 3 embies. Well, a try is a try. I hope against hope that I will be successful and that i don't have to resort to rounds of IVFs to get there.

Cheeky quote of the Day

2010-02-03T15:29:00.002+08:00

If you want to win a race you have to go a little berserk

reading my past blog entry

2010-01-11T14:36:00.004+08:00

I wrote this 1 day after my ectopic pregnancy surgery 1 year ago dated 6 november 08.

Be patient with life,

despite its cruelty.

Often it seems careless of our pain,

but just as often brings us hope again.

I gave birth to my daughter in 9 Nov 09... And Life..... did brings hope to me again.

Whoever out there who is TTCing.... dont give up.. keep the faith.

Am i done yet?

2010-01-04T16:28:00.010+08:00

My baby is 2 months old now. I feel like i have known her for a long time, maybe because i have waited for her for a long time.

How is life after IVF like? Its like I am almost forgetting those endless cycles of IVF, those emotional roller coaster rides and those tears that had fallen during the process.

Its like I've travelled a long and rough journey to reach home and once I've reached my destination.......... amnesia sets in on the past and I simply enjoy being where I am now. This blog remains a reminder of this journey, for each stressful moment, each cry or fuss from my baby is a reminder of my victory of which i am grateful of. My Ivf journey continues to inspire me in strength.

I have 2 more frozen embryos which i plan to use in near future. I have decided that 2010 will be an IVF-free year. I will most likely go on a thaw cycle in early 2011. If i am really really really lucky, I may get a viable pregnancy from it and have a 3rd child. Will i undergo another round of fresh IVF cycle? I really cant say now... part of me feels like I am done with IVF and contented with 2 kids... part of me feels like ....... i can try one more time. Afterall, I am 33 yrs old now and technically, IVF is still hopeful for the next few years of my lifespan.

Whatever it is.... 2010 is an IVF-free year for me.....

Welcoming baby

2009-11-12T06:00:00.003+08:00

My bundle of joy has arrived. Ohhhhh....! All's worth it... all's worth it....

one last night of pregnancy

2009-11-08T20:30:00.002+08:00

Many bfns ago, i would imagine the future of seeing my baby for the first time. Today, as i am typing this.. i realised how far this ivf journey has taken me... i am about to have my dream materialised tomorrow.

I thank God for all the blessings and the wisdom to keep going..

2 more days to C section

2009-11-07T16:55:00.003+08:00

2 more days to the big day!

im going to see my baby !!!

im excited but scared too...

i am feeling so tired already, i wonder how i am going to survive the sleepless nights..

everything seems so surreal...

btw i feel like a beach whale now..

:)

35 weeks plus update

2009-10-18T22:44:00.002+08:00

i had a 35 weeks growth scan a couple of days back, results were good except for my AFI level. AFI stands for amniotic fluid index or something, in short ... the water surrounding my baby in the water bag is on the lower side. The average acceptable range should be above 5cm and below 24cm. I was measuring 7cm. Anything below 5cm is not good, so i need to be closely monitored since im a borderline low AFI case. I am instructed to drink at least 3 litres of water and rest more on my left side. I am getting my AFI checked again in 4 days time and i hope my levels will be better by then.

I have decided not to try VBAC. I will opt for elective cesarean instead. I feel that its a safer route for my baby. Reason being :

1. had a previous C section hence 1 % chance of uterine rupture.
2. gestational diabetes
3. low AFI level of 7cm

On the bright side, my baby is growing well and is around 2.5kg now. I am looking forward to seeing my baby. Its been a long journey from IVF ttc till now.
I feel very blessed to be where i am now.

Hi !

2009-09-03T16:16:00.001+08:00

I am 29 weeks now and so far so good. I gained a total of 8 kgs so far and am comtemplating on trying VBAC for delivery if possible. ( VBAC stands for vagina birth after ceasarean). I just started insulin injection twice a day due to my gestational diabetes. So I never stopped pricking myself with needles since IVF till now ... A typical day will be.. 7 finger pricks for monitoring my blood glucose and 2 jabs... its so not fun but i will have to do it.

I am so looking forward to having this baby in about 2 months time. Will post an entry on my labour story in due time.

My last entry - The silver lining

2009-05-07T11:31:00.012+08:00

I went to National University Hospital yesterday for my NT Scan. Everything went well, thankfully. I saw my baby and i was sure my baby waved at me and gave me a thumbs up from the ultrasound.

My husband who has been a little reserved in expressing his joy over my pregnancy for self preservation purposes ... is very happy and assured now. I could tell that he is very touched and glad that we finally made it to where we are now.

I am closing the chapter to my IVF journey, maybe i'll begin a new chapter somewhere else on blog sphere on my further journey of pregnancy. After all, this blog is dedicated to readers in a way of providing my personal ivf experiences and information. After a few years of ttc for child no. 1 and then two over years with a total of 5 ICSI IVFs, 1 FET and 2 heartbreaking pregnancy lost , hitting over 21,000 blog hits and finally a 12 weeks bfp, Its time to move on, its job is done.

If there is one thing i have to be thankful for for my IVF experiences. It would be that it didnt break me and made me stronger..
- My faith is stronger
- My relationship is more resilient
- I am more appreciative of life
- the ivf objective is reached

To anyone who is reading this and undergoing IVF....please take heart that no matter how short or long your IVF journey may be..... hang tough and have faith.

For your cause is noble and the end result will be sweet and rewarding, in its own special way.

Meanwhile, I will be embracing this pregnancy wholeheartedly and pray to God for his continuous blessings and protection.

God Bless

Failed my glucose tolerance test - OGTT

2009-04-22T12:33:00.004+08:00

On my last visit to the gynae, I was advised to do a OGTT which is usually reserved for pregnant ladies after 20 weeks. He thought that since I have a strong family history of diabetes and and the fact that I had gestational diabetes during my last pregnancy, that makes me a suspect.

I did my 2 hours oral glucose test challenge ( OGTT ) and i failed it. I am diagnosed with impaired glucose tolerance! Which means i am a prediabetic! There goes all the sweet stuffs, cakes, pastries, soda etc.

I bought a little machine to measure my glucose level. the brand is Accu-chek. I have to prick my fingers up to 7 times a day to monitor my glucose level. How fun! Duh! :(

I am 10 weeks now and i get to stop using crinone and pregnyl. And in 2 weeks time, I get to stop all my medications ( duphaston, progynova, proluton ). By then, my placenta should have swing into full function.

I gained some weight too. I started this cycle of IVF at 60kg, I was 62kg at 2 ww and I am 63.9kg now! Thats like a whooping 8 pounds in total.

I really need to be controlling what I eat, but seriously i didnt eat more than pre-IVF. May be my metabolism rate has slowed down alot and I am into the pregnancy fat conservation mode. I gained 28kg (60 pounds ) in my previous pregnancy. I really should be keeping my maximum weight gain to below 15kg this time round.

I like rainy windy weather

2009-04-15T10:38:00.003+08:00

Today is such a day, its a windy and rainy morning. I didnt realise how wonderful it is until the strong wind started blowing into my bedroom window, filling my room with a sweet fresh dewy aroma of nature, the wind on my skin felt good too. It took away my morning sickness for a moment and everything smells so great. The sky is overcasted and the usually bright hot sunniness is mellowed down to a gentle tone. How soothing.

Here is a list of things i want to get started:

1. Put my apartment up for sale

2. Store away clothings that are too tight and take out the loose ones from the sotrage bag.

3. Shift my makeup stuff to another drawer thats out of reach from my daughter.

4. Find healthy meal plans that are friendlier to my gastric and morning sickness.

5. Make conscious effort to watch my sugar intake.

8 weeks 6 days ultrasound scan update

2009-04-14T16:48:00.002+08:00

I went to the gynae today for my 8 weeks 6 days scan. I had a tummy scan and get to see my little peanut. Little peanut is 21mm in size with a heartbeat of 172beats per minute. Peanut is measuring just right. The thing is, my blood pressure test didn't turn out normal. I was 138/80, which is kinda high. The last time i did, it was rather high too. Gynae thought that it could be due to my anxiety knowing im going to get my scan right after. Or i could really be having high blood pressure! Gosh. I need to google a bit more on 1st trimester high blood pressure. I am hoping its just the anxiety, will do the pressure test again tonight when im very relaxed.

Gynae also told me to do a glucose challenge test since i had previous case of gestational diabetes,also he thinks that gestational diabetes can occur right from 1st trimester. i will be going to the hospital to do that 3 hours drink-glucose hourly-blood test thingy. I hope the test turns out fine.

Did i mention that I am having morning sickness since 6 weeks? I don't puke, but i feel really queasy. The queasiness feels like seasickness. Gastric discomfort is also another pain in the butt, I feel like nothing gets digested and all the food i intake just seat around. Oh and the sense of smell... the air smells now, my dogs smells, everything smells. Some smell even became pungent. I am always tired too, sometimes dizzy. My tummy is hard and bloated too, I think i am suffering from some water retention, I look 5 months pregnant now. the other day, I told my hubby that my tummy was feeling really hard and distended, he told me its just accumulated fats since i lay around so much now. I wish he was more tactful.

Still, I am grateful. After 5 fresh ICSI rounds and 1 FET..... i am just so grateful to be almost 9 weeks pregnant and counting on.

Thank you God!

Officially a SAHM now

2009-04-08T08:46:00.007+08:00

For the next many months, I have decided to focus on family and pregnancy. To officiate my first day as a Stay at home mom, I baked my first set of chocolate cupcakes together with my daughter who is turning 3 this july.

I used to work part time doing fund raising, event organization and IT projects for a feminist organization here in singapore. This is my first real experience with working in a Voluntary Welfare Organization. I gained lots of fun and valuable experiences from the work and projects and also on knowing how a VWO is run. I also experienced working in a office space in a residential area, under a hdb residential housing flat, from the window where i was sitting, i got to see neighbourhood children playing ball and grannies and mothers scrolling by with their strollers after marketing. It was a peaceful view compared to the usual city skyscapers view i had while i was working full time in corporate companies awhile back. With my freed up time now, I can also consider the option of volunteering once in a while in a charity that is closer to my heart, also getting interested in new things and taking up handicraft lessons.

I have experienced being a stay home mom when i was pregnant with my daughter, then continued to not work until she was about 2years old. That's almost 3 full years of stay home mom life. I guess i will be doing the same again, but this time, I hope to help out a little more with my husband's business.

If i have to express my view on sahm vs working, I would say for both.. that i love it and hate it. I love working because of the identity thingy and the satisfaction i get from a work well done and for knowing im capable of financial independence. I hate it at the same time because of the occasional surges of stress that comes along and also the time i miss with my daughter, i dont feel good leaving her with care-giver.

Actually, being a stay at home mom is a privilege... but privileges can be easily abused too, like i can get really laid back to the point of guilt instead of being focus on family and self improvement sometimes. I hope this time round, I will make use of my time alot better and feel proud doing all the things to make this family cozier and this household better and everyone including myself, happier. I have to be contented that the grass will always seem greener on the other side when going get tough. :)

Right now, whats most important to me is to continue this pregnancy and pray that this pregnancy will be smooth, healthy and normal. After all, i came a long ivf way to reach this point, i would like to stay pregnant and deliver this miracle if i have a choice.

How big is your baby?

2009-04-06T17:44:00.002+08:00

	*Weeks 3 & 4: Poppyseed** Your little zygote is settling into your uterus... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 5: Appleseed Average size: .13 in** Major organs and systems are forming... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 6: Sweet Pea Average size: .25 in Blood is starting to circulate... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 7: Blueberry Average size: .51 in Baby's brain is growing fast... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 8: Raspberry Average size: .63 in, .04 oz Little arms and legs are moving like crazy... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 9: Green Olive Average size: .9 in, .07 oz A Doppler device might pick up a heartbeat... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 10: Prune Average size: 1.2 in, .14 oz Arm joints are working, and soon legs will too... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 11: Lime Average size: 1.6 in, .25 oz Fingers and toes are no longer webbed... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 12: Plum Average size: 2.1 in, .49 oz Almost all vital systems are fully formed... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 13: Peach Average size: 2.9 in, .81 oz Teeth and vocal cords are appearing... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 14: Lemon Average size: 3.4 in, 1.5 oz Liver, kidney and spleen are continuing to develop... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 15: Naval Orange Average size: 4.0 in, 2.5 oz Legs are finally longer than arms... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 16: Avocado Average size: 4.6 in, 3.5 oz Eyebrows, lashes and hair are filling in... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 17: Onion Average size: 5.1 in, 5.9 oz Skeleton is hardening, and fat is accumulating... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 18: Sweet Potato Average size: 5.6 in, 6.7 oz Baby's moving like crazy -- feel anything yet? > More on what baby's up to
	Week 19: Mango Average size: 6.0 in, 8.5 oz Vernix caseosa is coating baby's skin... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 20: Cantaloupe Average size: 6.5 in, 10.6 oz Boy or girl, genitals are fully formed... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 21: Banana Average size: 10.5 in*, 12.7 oz** Taste buds are starting to work... > More on what baby's up to
	Weeks 21-24 (Month 5): Papaya Average size: 10.5-11.8 in, 12.7-20.8 oz Nipples are sprouting, and face is fully formed! > More on what baby's up to
	Weeks 25-28 (Month 6): Eggplant Average size: 13.6-14.8 in, 1.5-2.2 lb Immune system is preparing for the outside world... > More on what baby's up to
	Weeks 29-32 (Month 7): Squash Average size: 15.2-16.7 in, 2.5-3.8 lb Sleeping and waking cycles are establishing... > More on what baby's up to
	Weeks 33-36 (Month 8): Honeydew Average size: 17.2-18.7 in, 4.2-5.8 lb Growth is slowing, and baby may soon descend... > More on what baby's up to
	Weeks 37-Delivery (Month 9): Watermelon Average size: 18.9-20.9 in, 6.2-9.2 lb Full term! Baby's finally ready for the outside world... > More on what baby's up to

7th week

2009-04-01T14:53:00.002+08:00

For those who been wondering what been happening to me, I am happy to say... I am fine. :)

Today i am exactly 7 weeks pregnant. I went for my ultrasound and i finally get to hear my baby's heartbeat!

Before today, i have been so anxious. I really wondered how i survived everyday with that amount of anxiety i had.

I am so grateful now.

Virtual Therapy for the Soul

2009-03-30T11:52:00.003+08:00

http://www.mayyoubeblessedmovie.com/

opps

2009-03-28T12:13:00.005+08:00

Accidently deleted my previous post while trying to edit it, feeling a little sorry for losing all those wonderful comments. :(

My birthday gift

2009-03-04T15:04:00.006+08:00

A close friend asked me this question.

" What do you want for your birthday this year?"

I said " I want a positive pregnancy test, my beta test happens to be 1 day before my 32nd birthday"

my friend then asked " What if....... ?? "

I said " honestly, at this moment, i dont even want to think about the what ifs, i just want to be completely freely naively recklessly positively optimistic. "

some updates of IVF

2009-03-01T10:06:00.005+08:00

My IVF process went smoothly and I praise God for it. I started my cycle with an antral follicle count which reflected a low count of 6 to 7. I always had low antral follicle count and am a low responder since my first cycle years back, so this was expected.

I had 11 days of puregon injection at 600iu daily and 4 doses of orgulatron injection. This time, my follicles grow very synchronously. My egg retrieval went really smoothly. I had 7 eggs retrieved and 5 of them were matured. This was a very good number of eggs for me, considering my low antral follicle count. Thank God for that.

I did a day 3 embryo transfer yesterday afternoon. Out of my 5 mature eggs, all 5 fertilized with ICSI and all 5 made it to day 3 with no fragmentation. I transferred 3 embryos of 9 cells, 6 cells, and 4 cells thats about to multiply. I get to have 2 of my extra embryos freeze! Its really amazing for me, this is the best IVF process I had.

I did nothing special this round. I just stop worrying so much, I rely completely on God's grace and the professionalism of the doctor. My doctor and hubby being away for that 2 days did not affect the process as it just so happened that my ER and ET were done after.

My hubby held my hands while i still lay in bed and prayed each morning during the entire IVF. He prays the most heartfelt lovely prayer each morning, about his yearning for a child, for my health, for our family. His faith gave me strength and took most of my worries away.

A few other blessings in our lives right now are, my pekingese dog who was on medication everyday for the past 2 years has finally recovered from his chronic illness and is now without medication and doing well.

My daughter had flu and recovered really quickily from it without passing it to me or my hubby during the ivf process.

Funny how, prior to beginning this cycle, we were so worryied that it manifested as a very angry me and a 'zoned out' hubby. But it turned out to such a smooth cycle.

Now i begin my 2 weeks wait. :)

MercyMe - Bring the Rain

2009-02-24T11:39:00.002+08:00

desperation level test

2009-02-13T14:33:00.006+08:00

The beginning of my 5th IVF started with

1. beginning ivf on a friday the 13th.
2. hubby scheduled for 2 days overseas work trip around hcg trigger time.
3. gynae going away for 3 days around hcg trigger time.
4. accepting that the nurses at the clinic of choice seemed even more confused than i am.
5. very upset with workaholic hubby for being very neglectful and dismissive.
6. proceeding with the ivf knowing all of the above.

Shucks! I really dont think that starting in a happy mood or a messed up mood does any difference to my ivf outcome.

I need to be keeping my stress level down. I am keeping my eyes closed this time, whatever the outcome.. its meant to be... doesnt matter if i started IVF with great nurses or on a good date.

Damn, i am feeling so angry having to cope with this bloody anxiety again. But angry or not, in my heart, I am crying out for a favourable outcome.

Welcome to my IVF Antagonist day 1 of Puregon 600iu injection. Round 5.. I will survive and thrive.. Posterity will follow!

long hair going short hair

2009-02-05T08:20:00.010+08:00

yesterday, I did something totally crazy.
I went to Shunji Matsuo Hair Salon at Wellington building and the Japanese Hair Stylist asked me what i wanted, I want a change in my hairstyle...dont want my hair to stick to the sides of my head as they were limp. He suggested he would style it short or keep it long and perm it.

I decided to just choose what i am not comfortable with as the inertia for change was high , you see, I have been wearing my hair the same way for the past 20 years.

Same goes for the colouring, i chose warm copper tone instead of my usual cool yellow based tone.

Now, i have face length short hair with a warm red tone. . . ..Still, I am not so sure about going red, I am still trying to get use to it... But i think generally it did turn out fine .

A friend text messenged me the nicest thing in my moment of neediness after i chopped off my long hair..

" Cutting of long hair signifies leaving the old behind and starting a brand new beginning. I look forward to see a brand new you with a fresh outlook in your life! "

How sweet!

Always been undergoing IVF as a long hair girl... I am looking forward to a successful one in roughly 10 days as a short hair girl!! :)

Coming soon

2009-01-31T09:30:00.002+08:00

I will be starting my 5th IVF cycle in roughly 2 weeks time. The protocol of choice is Antagonist and the hospital of choice is Gleneagles Medical Centre.

Meanwhile, Happy Chinese Lunar New Year!

my 2009 resolution

2009-01-03T09:53:00.002+08:00

A friend who is into fengshui told me that this morning is my golden lock hours. A good time to write down my resolutions for the year. Here it goes.

1. Plan for up to 3 rounds of IVF this year to have another child.

- im in the process of looking for a new fertility doctor. I have consulted with Prof S C Ng in gleneagles www.ogpartners.com. He recommended i do a natural IVF cycle since i am a low responder. My alternatives are LC Cheng at Thomson Medical Centre and Roland Chieng of SGH.

- have a smooth pregnancy and a smooth delivery and a healthy 2nd child

2. Control my weight, improve health ( portion control, make wise choices, exercise)

- portion control ; Scoop the amount of food i need only my plate before i begin tucking in. If eating out, do not finish up whatever is on my plate during each meal

- Make wise food choices; choose healthier less calories, more nutritious food.

- do not snack on tidbits

- exercise : before ivf begins, jog for 20 mins, at least 2 times a week.

3. Get new hobbies, re-visit old ones. Relax , sit down, allow myself to get interested and read a book . 1 good book a month. Learn new skills like baking , have fun with cooking, explore...

4. Acknowledge that i am free to be me, no circumstances, no person is stopping me from living joyously me.

5. Be a supportive wife to my husband and a loving mother to my daughter

2008 year end reflection

2008-12-24T11:13:00.003+08:00

After reading my sister's blog entry on the 15 things she did that matters to her, i have decided to do the same here in my blog.

This is the list of 15 things i have done that matters to me in my life

1. Giving birth to my daughter and becoming a mother

2. Getting married to my husband

3. Pursued my degree while working full time in my 20s

4. Getting to spend the last few years of my beloved dog zacky's life together

5. Not giving up, still marching on to fulfil my desire of having a second child thru IVF

6. Finding faith in Christ

7. Having a good relationship with my parents, my sister and my brother

8. Having Leo and Merlin the pekingeses as my pets

9. Re-entering the workforce after being sahm, In a way, have proven to myself of my Independence

10. Had shared my growing up years with 3 pet dogs.. Zacky Bobby and Brandy.

11. Maintaining good friends, few but real friends

12. My desire to be a better person for others and redefining that definition this year to being a better person for myself so i can be better for others..

13. Supportive of my husband's career move to have his own practice

14. My unfailing attempt to want to improve things that matters to me like my appearance, health, relationships, life skills, lifestyle, knowledge, wisdom and faith.

15. My husband, my daughter, my mom, my dad , my sister and my brother are the most important people in my life and thankful that they are all doing well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

stood on both sides of the field

2008-12-22T00:34:00.004+08:00

over the months, i have came to find support with some fertility bloggers on the internet. some who started roughly a year ago on this ivf journey.. cycling with me through one of my ivf cycles.. are now about to deliver their babies soon. people like them give me hope that one day, the nest within my belly will be filled with life..But, at the same time, its tough being on the ' empty nest side'.

i am battling secondary infertility since i already have a beautiful girl, and its still tough.

Having said all these, there is no testimony if there is no test. I hope i will be able to give a beautiful testimony here in a future not too far away from now.

I feel that i have grown up with these experiences..

A meaningful link

2008-12-21T09:43:00.002+08:00

Remembering the true meaning of Christmas.

http://www.lordsprayermovie.com/

Some updates

2008-12-18T23:58:00.004+08:00

My period finally came after estimated of 6 weeks post ectopic surgery. It came on the 15th Dec. Assuming its regulated now, I will have 2 more regular cycles before i begin IVF in Feb 09.

Yesterday,I went for my lasik to correct my vision. :)

So inconclusion , i have began working on every item i mentioned in the list below. And have completed some...

I am giving myself a pat on the back for making changes.

things i plan to do before 2008 ends

2008-12-03T22:57:00.003+08:00

1. Go to the dentist for annual checkup/cleaning

2. Lasik Surgery to correct my eyesight

3. Go to the gym 3 times a week

4. Diet portion control

5. Eat a fruit everyday

6. Consciously put my expectations aside and treat my husband with more love and concern

7. Learn how to read the bible in a systematic way so i can one day complete it.

8. Put in more attention of my outer appearance.

9. Take supplements

10. Be at peace completely with where i am now

The IVF Train

2008-12-02T08:15:00.005+08:00

This morning, I prayed that my morning will be filled with peace and happiness. I am sick of feeling down in the dumps. I have been having a mug of beer every now and then to sooth my entangled nerves. I only allow myself 1 mug a day as i have to take care of my body for the next IVF cycle. Hopefully, i wont be needing to calm my nerves with alcohol really soon.

Begin on a long IVF journey is like trying to catch a train, just that the train doesnt stop for me.. I have to run and try to jump on the moving train.

Some occasion , I didnt catch up with it and was left behind waiting for the next train.

some times, I ran and jumped onto the speeding train, only to fall out of the train before i could find myself a place to sit.

And sometimes, I managed to get on board, found a cozy seat, made some pregnant friends on the train who were also heading to babyland station... but only to be thrown out of the moving train at high speed. This was the case of my ectopic.

Will i ever reach babyland again? Do i dare run after a train again? .... I must and i have to.. My 2nd child is waiting for me at the end of the train journey, its a destination i have to reach.

For the year 2009, should Feb cycle not work out, i will try again in June, and if that didnt work out.. I will try again in Oct. Thats my plan for 2009.

Meanwhile, waiting for the next train, I can either wait with fear and sadness with emotional baggage from my previous ectopic experience, or soak in the warmth of the sun, do some exercising and live some life... and look forward with anticipation. My choice.

2008-11-27T13:37:00.002+08:00

I ha vent posted here for a while, not because i didn't think of doing so and hadn't visit my own blog. Its just that each time i want to write an entry, it ends up looking and feeling pathetic.

Anyway, some updates. I am in this strange twilight zone where my emotions swing like a pendulum. One moment i am fine, the next moment i feel like the whole world is against me and that i am just waiting for the next bad thing to happen on me. I am very short-wired in temper and feel like nobody in the world cares if I pass on tomorrow. I guess i was in a state of post-ivf-ectopic-surgery-depression.

My relationship with my husband is affected too. I expected him to be my pillar and make me feel better about myself and about the whole thing. And at the same time be able to pacify, comfort and attend to my bruised feelings. I am disappointed.
It makes me realise that I am in control and fully responsible of my own happiness.
I still love my husband alot and i know he loves me too. Well, many articles mentioned about relationship strain as part of the post ivf failure issues, i thought it was crap.. until this round of IVF. I need to overcome this depression and be myself again.

My daughter is down with fever and diarrhea, i have been worried and lack of sleep.
Today she is better. I am glad.

Spanish Song to bring you somewhere else in the world

2008-11-22T10:00:00.005+08:00

In the process for looking for a breathe of fresh air .. I was introduced to this wonderful Spanish band Mana and its hit 'Rayando el Sol'. i have included the song in my blog.

The world is such a big place, .. somewhere in another beautiful place and another lovely culture... A love song tune that reminds me that there are so many spectrum and new things in life i havent explored. That life itself is bigger than the cocoon i have unconsciously built around me, and how i have let infertility 'super glued' me to this 'confinement'. Lets listen to this Spanish song together while you are here in my blog.

Some translation of part of the lyrics :

Rayando el sol, oeooo desesperación...
es más fácil llegar al sol que a tu
corazón oooo me muero por ti oeooo

It's easier to get to the sun/to be near the sun..then get close to your heart

am i bipolar or what

2008-11-21T12:19:00.008+08:00

There is something magical about early morning breeze that makes you remember everything wonderful in your life. I was sitting at my desk this morning feeling pretty despondent, and then I got a whiff of the early morning fresh air that lead to the listening of birds chirping. I breathed that air in as if it was the last I would ever have.

Then i got transported back to my current existance. I know they say that God will never give you more than you can bear...but I'm pushing my limit now. Something got to give soon. I've tried positive-thinking, pretend it doesn't exist, grin and bear it, smile and the world smiles with you thoughts, but now,I'm just tired, tired, tired. And my face hurts from forcing the smile through all the tears.

The 3rd cycle IVF wait

2008-11-19T09:52:00.005+08:00

Planning to begin my next antagonist protocol IVF on the begining of my 3rd menses cycle. So... what am i going to do from now to make my body all ready for it? I have tried TCM, Accupunture, DHEA... all benefitted me somewhat.

This time, I need a breathe of freshair. I am considering going au natural... A friend of mine recommended that i look for a naturopath. Its something i havent considered before and totally new to. I will be researching more on naturopath and infertility and will share with you my findings in the next few post. This is going to be fun.

A few things I think its compulsory during this wait.

-regular exercise to build up health
- fruits and vegetables
- vitamin C, E and folic
- wheatgrass
- enough sleep
- less stress
- positive thoughts

I am looking forward to doing all the above and will need to come out with a schedule for my game plan. :)

12 new things i plan to do

2008-11-15T09:11:00.006+08:00

1. Shift my bedroom's furniture to a completely new arrangement. (done that yesterday)

2. Begin healthy eating and portion control

3. Take Omega 3 oil, folic acid, vitamin C, vitamin E for supplement

4. Throw out things that's taking up space in my drawers. the ones i don't need and not used for years.

5. Read a good story book from beginning to the end and really let my imaginations bring me away to the plot like how things was before all these struggles with fertility. ( do recommend me some good ones that you think i should read )

6. Enroll my daughter in a once or twice a week enrichment centre. She is 2 yrs 4 months now.

7. Begin exercise once my surgery area heals completely.

8. Bring bmi down to between 21 to 23.

9. Be positive, smell the flowers and learn how to reabsorb mini pleasures in life.

10. Take the Christmas Tree out of the box and decorate it.

11. Consciously seek out what I have not sought out before. Be open to new experiences, new sources of information.

12. Have Faith in God's plan.

i think im depressed? I like to think im healing

2008-11-14T08:31:00.006+08:00

Yesterday i went back to work as there was a deadline for a proposal to be submitted. When i got back to the office. My desk has been taken over by the new general manager they hired. Let me give you some background understanding, I am a graduate who decided not to continue with a full time career for the sake of work live balance. I am hired by this company as a contract hourly paid worker, they told me i will be in charge of the operations manager portfolio of the charity organization. I work 2 days a week.

When the new full time staff walked into the office, she told me my seat is assigned to her now. I said to her" are you saying I'm bumped out of my desk" she said, yes since you are here on part time basis. I decided to end the war there and started packing my files and stuffs and computer files and let her have that seat. Honestly, i am just too exhausted from my pregnancy lost and surgery to react to this. There were no available computers left in the office and no desk space too. So i went around looking for computer parts (cpu sitting at the corner, monitor at the other, wires etc) Good thing i know how to fix up a computer, I sat on the floor of the mini library where there is a desk space for me there.. and set up the computer to working condition. Then i dust off a layer of dust from the table, set aside the old newspaper cuttings and arrange my files nicely on my make shift new desk space. The new manager felt bad and came to offer help and i told her calmly " don't you worry, it isn't your fault, its just that the situation is such and we'll make do with it"

I told my husband about what happened and he told me that maybe the boss wanted me out now that they finally hire a full timer. I told him that they dont need to do that because my contract has ended and they just need not renew it if they want me to leave, they just given me a renewal. Then he concluded that thats how things are if you are a hourly paid person, the organization always treats a full time worker with more value and commitment. I told him his words aint making me feel better. All i wanted was him to speak gently with comfort and maybe suggest something sweet to do later. Anyway i got the proposal done and submitted yesterday. I left the office at 4.30pm to drop off the proposal at the donor's office. After i dropped it off, I walked pass a very crowded temple along waterloo street. The temple praying area spread to the outside of the main entrance. I was overwhelmed with a sudden sadness and neediness and felt drawn to go in and cry my eyes out. I left.

I woke up this morning feeling really sad. Husband and I went for a short walk and i felt frustrated with him for making me feel so alone. I sat by my condominium pool and felt tears in my eyes. So here am i now, I think its part and parcel of the grief process.

My dog is a pig!

2008-11-12T17:20:00.006+08:00

A couple of months ago, I adopted a 5 years old pekingese. His name is Merlin, he was given up twice by 2 owners and stayed in a petshop for a long time. He is a pretty local pekingese and i felt sorry for him so i decided not to buy a puppy and adopted him instead. I now know the reason why he was given up twice. He got a wonderful sweet personality, but is always mildly cautious and stiffens up when carried, thats ok for me, i can understand why. BUT its this other reason that i know caused his pathetic plight, HE SNORES LIKE A PIG WITH MICROPHONE! I mean it! i tolerated him for months sleeping right beside me in the airconditioned bedroom of mine as i didnt want to chase one dog out while my other get to sleep in with me. But let me tell you, Merlin really snores really loudly, he snores louder than my dad whom is the loudest snorer i know of. In fact, merlin's snoring can be heard 2 closed door rooms away. So for the first time last night, I decided to not let merlin into my bedroom, he barked half the night, scratched on my door the other half and what ever left over time that he's asleep, his snores echoed through my closed door! Anyway, he's a lucky dude i've made a commitment to keep him the day i took him home.

Ok, enough said about this pigdog of mine. This is a photo of the culprit.

Sunshining morning

2008-11-10T08:17:00.003+08:00

Every morning, i wake up feeling a little better. Today is one such morning. This incident did not deter me from believing in my baby dreams. I think in some cosmic way, it made me more receptive to the good things i already have in my life.

Trying to understand..

2008-11-07T12:05:00.003+08:00

I still couldnt bring myself to write about my ectopic experience because each time i try, i will choke up in tears. Right now, my mind is in a fog and my heart is fill with guilt of allowing the surgery to be done to remove that beating heart.Do i have a choice really?

Someone left me a poem on my comments page, it stirred my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I have cut and paste it here in this entry to share it with all mothers who has lost an unborn child.

I miss my baby that i have no chance to hold in my arms. The sound of the beating heart that i hear on 4th Nov will forever be ingrained in me and left a footprint in my heart.

-------------------------
What makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother
and I know I heard him say...

"A mother has a baby."
This we know is true.
But can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes, you can,"
He said with confidence in His voice.
"I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for a day.
Some I send to fill your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this,
God. I want my baby here.
" He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear. "

I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

'We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh, so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh, so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today.
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So, you see, my dear sweet one,
your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home and
this is where she'll stay.

She'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
She'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not see
you're a mother with a child.
They'll be up here with me
one day and know you've always been one."

Broken pieces

2008-11-06T17:14:00.007+08:00

Be patient with life,

despite its cruelty.

Often it seems careless of our pain,

But just as often brings us hope again.

My unborn child is right now in heaven and one day I will come face to face and be reunited. Please forgive me for what i did.

I will continue, IVF #5 in feb 09'.

meanwhile, i am picking up the broken pieces..

finding strength in the comfort in well wishes.

A cruel twist

2008-11-05T13:15:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life.

I had my scan and saw a beating heartbeat.

The ultrasound lady face turned grim.

It was ectopic pregnancy.

Doctor told me it can be life threatening and i need surgery immediately.

Was advise to remove my fallopian tube and risk the potential malfunctioning of my ovaries.

Decided against it and went to Gleneagles hospital for more scans to make sure its not a cruel joke.

After 4 scans at 4 different labs. I went in for surgery to remove the child i fought so hard for.

Managed to save my fallopian tube.

I went from joy, to delusion to hysterically sad, to numbness now over the past 24 hours.

My pregnancy is over.

423am on a sleepless night

2008-11-04T04:23:00.004+08:00

I went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 2.30am. I have been tossing and turning in bed and just couldnt get myself to sleep. I was dreaming about a meeting i had yesterday in the office with a group of theatre production folks and i woke up worrying about the steep quotation they have given me and how if this fund raising theatre event will be successful or not. I couldnt get it off my mind, so i watched some television, still it didnt work..so i turned off the lights and tried to sleep again. My mind wondered off and begin worrying about other things, like the IT project that im handling at work and how everything cost money for the charity organization and how i can help lower the expenses. I worried about the bad economic news and the recession. Then i began to worry about not being able to carry my daughter these past weeks and if my daughter will feel neglected etc. I just couldnt stop my mind from worrying worrying worrying.... I feel so inadequate and insecure now I want to dig a hole and hide myself.

Having said all these, I know why i am awake now in the middle of the night.. It is because in roughly 3.5 hours time. I will know if my pregnancy is viable or not after the scan. It is the main source of my restlessness and every other worries i am experiencing at this moment are just a manifestation of that 1 big anxiety.

I look at my dogs sleeping on the floor in my bedroom and i wondered what is going through their minds, maybe they can sense my anxiety.. maybe they r just little naive creatures blessed to be free from worries and stress unlike us human beings.

I feel like crying now. I dont know how to cope with this feeling i am having now. I guess the way i feel right now is due to the fact that i have had a previous miscarriage before and i fear having to go through it again. I fear it more than IVF itself..x 10000 times.

Dear heavenly father, please let things go smoothly tomorrow and bless me with a smooth 9 months pregnancy and a healthy child ...

2008-11-03T13:03:00.002+08:00

My 6 weeks scan is scheduled tomorrow at 8am. I am so very scared of any setbacks. I think my weak heart wont be able to withstand a blow. Please let my unborn child be healthy and growing well.

My blog has a new look!

2008-11-01T11:00:00.006+08:00

I gave my blog a new look. I hope you like it as much as I do. It got a fresher, sweeter, brighter look than the previous dark blue one. I hope the cheery template will brighten your day too.
I did pull a few hairs trying to get it all working correctly. :) Do drop me a message or 2 to let me know I haven't dropped off your radar. :)

I am 6 weeks pregnant today. I am feeling good today and am looking forward to seeing my baby's heartbeat on scan screen soon.

Some early pregnancy symptoms I encountered so far are:
1. Fatigue! I am comatose by 10pm each night.
2. Restless nights; i wake up to pee, i wake up at the sound of my dog's snoring (btw, my dog snores loudly), I wake up at 5am and watch tv to coax myself to sleep again.
3. My pee stinks
4. My gum bleeds when i brush
5. I get hungry very easily and when im hungry i feel uncomfortable.
6. I am alot more emotional lately

baby boy or baby girl better?

2008-10-31T09:16:00.008+08:00

I was browsing the singaporemotherhood forum yesterday and i came across a very disturbing entry. Its about this first time mom who remarked that she cried for days when she discovered she was carrying a girl fetus. Her baby is 5 months old now and she said in her entry that she cant love the baby much because of the baby's gender. This entry is written in 2008 by a modern city lady of an unknown race. I felt so disturbed after reading it. I begin to ask myself if somehow she has been conditioned by remarks made by family or friends that a boy child is better than a girl child. Isnt it a mother's duty and nature to love the child regardless of gender?

I need to relate my own personal true experience to you with regards to my first child. When i was pregnant with my first child back in 2005/2006, after all the IVF challenges has settled with a bfp and the 1st trimester went by smoothly.. I began to ponder what sex of a child i would prefer. My family and relatives and even strangers would remark i should have a boy and how its important to have a boy. To be really honest, I felt quite pressurised by these remarks made and I thought to myself maybe its better to have a son and that a son is a better choice.

My husband in fact was the one that was completely unaffected by other's remarks.. and said wholeheartedly that he will really be very happy having a son or a daughter.

During my scan to find out the baby's sex, when i was told i am expecting a girl. I am happy but my happiness was stained with fear that i have somewhat disappointed the old folks of my family. But very quickly within the next few hours, i am already falling in love with my unborn daughter and thought of millions of reasons to myself how in fact... i love having a girl. Like dressing her up, etc.. I love my daughter so much i would give up my life for her now. And i thank God for giving me such a wonderful perfect gift for me. Btw, my fears were uncalled for,my daughter is well loved by the grandparents on both side.

Having said that, I continue to encounter sexual discrimination of my next child's gender. I will still get occasional remark from strangers that i should have a son next. It still put me in an awkward position hearing such lame remarks.

I owe it to my unborn child that I will completely ignore such remarks and will not subject myself to the pressure of gender preference. After going through this much to have a pregnancy, it will be darn stupid and silly and ungrateful of me to not guard my mind towards lame remarks of people who are close or not to me. I dont see why a girl is more inferior than a boy. I dont see why anyone should encourage such a discriminating thought.

So, I am writing this down right now. I will be equally happy.. Really happy .. to have a healthy girl or a healthy boy... and the gift of child will be perfect as it is.

Some thoughts to share

2008-10-29T10:02:00.004+08:00

Was browsing the internet when i came across this statement that i find meaningful

"There is no greater strength on earth than a heart's will to persevere"

Here is a great site that showcase unairbrushed real shapes of a mother...
Interesting and worth a visit! .. http://theshapeofamother.com/

feeling so tired today

2008-10-28T13:30:00.003+08:00

Its 1.30pm today and i just finished my lunch. I ate wanton noodles and a slice of swiss roll. Feeling really tired now, falling a sleep... dozing. dozzing.. zzzzzzzzzzzz

If beta doubles up nicely, my beta level should be in the thousands now. I am so looking forward to my 6 weeks scan scheduled on the coming tuesday. 7 more days and counting now..

2008-10-27T09:17:00.002+08:00

Its public holiday today. Its deepavali, indian's new year celebration.
I found this great pregnancy calendar that helps to keep track of pregnancy progress.
Love it..http://www.ehd.org/pregnancy-calendar.php?id=8837

Saturday's meal
-nonya dumpling for breakfast
-gingko barley drink
-chicken porridge x 2 bowls
-dinner at ponggol choon seng at changi
rice
red wine ribs
crispy duck wrap
mee hoon
veg
tofu

Sunday's meal
- 2 slices of wholemeal toast with jam for breakfast
- tim sum + nasi briyani (shared) at vivocity for lunch
- mum's homecooked food
rice
soup
veg
braised pork
curry fish

A previous miscarriage ( over a year ago)

2008-10-26T09:40:00.007+08:00

I feel like talking about my previous miscarriage ordeal today. So that you can understand how anyone who been through a miscarriage will feel when they are pregnant again, especially during the 1st trimester. and every moment of a smooth pregnancy is truly a blessed moment itself.

In mid 2007. When i felt ready for IVF again after my girl was 1yr plus, I got a positive which ended in a miscarriage. It happened around the middle of 5th week of pregnancy. I started bleeding, it started with light bleeding which quickly progress to heavy bleeding with clots and cramps. I bedrested for an entire week during the bleeding, only to get up to go to A&E to do scans and were given progesterone injections. After one week of heavy bleeding, the verdict was gloomy... The sac was almost coming out and my cervix was dilated, that fateful night, while i was showering... a big reddish whitish clot in the size of a ping pong ball flowed out of me.. and landed on the floor. I miscarried. I cried my heart out.. The trauma of a miscarriage is very real and very painful and is stuck in my mind forever.

Right now, I am on my 5th week of pregnancy. I am so very scared for reasons you can understand why. I am obsessively checking my panties for any sign of blood stains, and i feel a great sense of relief each time i see clear.

God,please let my pregnancy be a smooth successful one this time, protect my unborn child from any harm, bless the unborn child with health and growth.

Living

2008-10-25T09:57:00.003+08:00

Its time to take stock of my overeating. i am going to write down what i eat from yesterday onwards to help keep track and be in control.

Friday 24/10/08
For breakfast @ Delifrance
- half a chicken baquette
- half a bowl of mushroom soup
- a cup of camomile tea

For lunch @ Kuriya Japanese set consist of
- hot plate beef and tofu.
- 1 bowl of rice
- 1 bowl of miso soup
- 1 chawamushi
- 2 pieces of tempura
- a slice of orange

For dinner @ foodcourt
- chicken ipoh hor fun

Pills:
Utrogestron vaginally x 2 time a day
Duphaston x 2 times a day
Folic
Baby Aspirin
Vitamin C
Vitamin E
Fish Oil

Its time for my 2 pekingese dogs to be groomed, sending them to the groomer's instead of doing it myself this time. Dont want to be exerting myself in a forward bend position for extended duration.

My daughter's potty training is coming along quite successfully, she is able to indicate her desire to pee in the potty now. :)

As for me, I am doing ok. Just feeling really chubby from all the stress eating lately. In fact, i have put on 2.5kgs (5 pounds) over a short 1.5 months. Need to watch my intake.. my plan will be to monitor very closely my food intake over the next week and modify the unhealthy part and try to improvise it a healthier, less glutton-driven diet.

beta doubling time

2008-10-24T13:05:00.003+08:00

My 2nd blood test result is 611. My doubling time is 34hours. My progesterone level is 550 or 17.5. My beta doubling time is faster than the average doubling time.
I feel very consoled and assured now.

Here is a link that helps calculate how many heartbeats has your child taken so far.
From the link, my 20 days old embryo's heart will start beating in 2 days time.
http://www.ehd.org/pregnancy-heartbeat-calculator.php

2008-10-24T10:26:00.003+08:00

I am sitting at Delifrance cafe's computer terminal at kkivf right now as I am typing this. Went for my beta hcg blood test and progesterone test this morning. I should know if my beta is doubling nicely or not by 2pm later today. KK hospital is one place that you can see many preggies around, I look at these women as very fortunate people... how successful they are as a woman to be able to carry that big tummy and how their chubbiness is so acceptable. I hope I will be blessed with a growing belly and a healthy pregnancy. It will be fun to be rolly polly and to walk like a duckie again.

I feel that. ..like education graduation... career advancement...marriage... pregnancy is also itself a very rewarding milestone. Now that i am a mother of 1 sweet girl and mother-to-be to one unborn little bean in my tummy..I am already feeling like the most fortunate woman on the planet. When i was younger, I always asked myself what is the meaning of life... I stopped asking myself that when i became a mother... from that very moment on.. the meaning becomes clear.

Will I do IVF again for a third child? I cannot rule that out yet. It is a possibility in the future. But lets not think about it now. Lets just have good thoughts about my ongoing pregnancy now.... good vibes to you little unborn child..... good vibes to you...

Worry Toad

2008-10-23T18:02:00.009+08:00

My joy was quickily stained with fear.
I try to encourage myself to think only positive thoughts but deep inside.. i am so scared out of my wits right now ... remembering my previous miscarriage experience and worrying like crazy if the same shit will happen to me again. I guess that makes me a scarred woman.

Everything worries me, right now, my ceasarian scar is itching and i wonder why is that so.

Tomorrow morning, i am going to get my blood drawn again and have my doubling time checked. I need to get a grip and not fear so much.

I read somewhere that an indication of possible miscarry, other than sign of bleeding... is a slow doubling time. A low starting beta is common and does not indicate anything bad... I am trying to pacify myself real hard with these information. In fact, I consulted a gynae and he told me not to interpret too much of beta hcg level in such early stages.. and that one beta level test does not tell anything much.

Initially i was really hoping for twins.. but now , with my not very high beta levels of 231.. all i want is a healthy baby that i can give birth to.

That will be perfect to me... 1 healthy unborn child waiting to pop out of oven 9 months from now.

Beta Blood Test Result in

2008-10-22T15:23:00.004+08:00

I am officially pregnant. :) BFP

The beta blood test confirms it.

My beta level is 231 on 18day past retreival.

My beta level is not super high but its not low enough to have my clinic worrying too.

I am sure 1 embryo implanted.

So my next appointment with the clinic is for my 6 week scan scheduled early november.

Since i am such a worry toad, I will definitely be going to get my blood checked again for consistent doubling time in the next few days. Really hope this pregnancy is viable and wont slip away from me.

Blood Test 's tomorrow!

2008-10-21T20:25:00.002+08:00

i called up my ivf clinic to bring forward my beta blood test by one day. So tomorrow morning (16dp2dt) , i will be doing my blood test at kkivf and should know my beta level by 2pm the same day. I am praying for a high beta level.

After the blood test, i plan to take the shuttle bus to bugis junction and walk across to the national library to spend some time browsing the wide wide collections of books. I really enjoy our libraries for its great selection of books, updated facilities and nice cozy atmosphere.

There is this great website full of beta information, www.betabase.info .

And for detailed information on embryo development, its www.visembryo.com .

I have craving for certain dishes.. like xiao long bao with lots of vinegar dips, lor mee with lots of vinegar, kway chap with the sourish chilli... Yum yum. In fact i have been eating alot and i feel like a piggy now. The fact my digestive system seem to have gone a strike isnt helping much too.

Oh, i peed on another stick for the fun of it just now. The second line became visible immediately... :) I have a new found love with pee sticks.

So relieved but still in a daze

2008-10-20T18:25:00.003+08:00

I kept wondering what i was going to blog about should this time be a bfn. So much so that i havent thought of what i am going to write if i get a bfp. I am very very happy to be an example of how rewards can come later in the game. (For my case, after a miscarriage and 2 previous bfn) So my dear readers who are trying multiple IVF times and to those who are facing an obstacle during your IVF process or those of you who been dealt with the bfn card... Please do not give up.... there is always hope and its aint over till the fat lady sings.

Now that I have 'graduated' from the hpt test. My next target is to get a good beta doubling time and look forward to my first six week's scan. I am very hopeful but also scared as now that i have graduated to a next stage.. there are new stages to aim for and new targets to reach in this nine months journey to birthing of the child.

Right now, I just want to immerse myself in this lovely ambience of bfp. I just want to enjoy every moment of it. I have waited for this day and i want to embrace it.

Hugs to every readers and every lovely soul that left comments on my blog. You are an additional strength to me to reach this stage.

I get to put a pregnancy ticker finally!

Finally...... BFP!

2008-10-20T04:46:00.006+08:00

I woke up with a jolt at 4am this morning. I dreamt that all the pee sticks went negatives on me and I sat in the car crying my lungs out.

I sheepishly crawl out of bed and walked into the bathroom to use the last remaining digital pregnancy test (2 in a box). The first one that i used registered ' negative' a couple of days back.

I peed and waited and waited and 2 minutes later. What i saw made me pinched myself to be sure i am truly awake and not dreaming.......... This is what i see. " PREGNANT" , BFP!!!

YEAH!!!!! My long awaited BFP is here. Thank you God...thank you with all my heart.

Comfort eating

2008-10-18T21:22:00.003+08:00

I did 2 more home pregnancy tests and they are still positive at the moment. My emotions are all over the place today. One moment i am almost certain im pregnant, and next a deep sense of lost.

Food and prayer was what kept me going today. I ate at Din Tai Fung for lunch. I had fried rice, dan dan noodles, 2 cold dishes and 1 basket of xiao long bao (shared with my hubby).

For dinner, i ate curry fish head, fried small squid and kai lan vegetables with big bowl of rice.

Tonight, i will try to sleep well. I shall leave here with the serenity prayer which i thought is very meaningful at moments like this;

Deja vu

2008-10-18T09:23:00.004+08:00

Deja vu. There are 2 lines, but inconclusive.

Had the same experience roughly around the same time during the previous 2ww.

In case you would like to know what i am talking about.

http://ivfsingapore.blogspot.com/2008/03/my-blog-was-really-meant-to-have-fairy.html

Please dont be happy for me yet. I beg that you pray for me instead.

I am very stressed out right now. I did one yesterday ( the bottom one) and did one again early this morning. Both of them are different brands. The one i did yesterday was much darker line than the one I did today.

A few things can happen:

1. I am not pregnant. The pregnyl is wearing off since today is 3 days after my 1000unit low dose booster shot.

2. I am pregnant. The pregnyl is wearing off faster than my beta hcg can climb.

3. Its 2 different brands and may have different minimum detection level, so the tone of the lines cannot be interpreted at all.

I 'feel' pregnant' this round. I have a good feeling of it. But I cant help being very cautious for the sake of self preservation.

Conclusion is : I am very miserable now. Today is the hardest day of the entire IVF cycle.

i bought HPT

2008-10-17T13:11:00.001+08:00

i did it. i went out and bought those peesticks..

11dp2dt

2008-10-17T09:05:00.002+08:00

I cannot believe i have almost reached the end of my 2 ww. I am so excited and at the same time really darn frightened by the idea of peeing on a stick. I did a pregnyl booster shot of 1000 units just day before yesterday so its very likely that the pregnyl is still in there. But i am so so so so tempted to hpt! So much so that I dont dare to step out of the house today ( my off day) to go to the mall to do some banking. I am very sure temptation will take over me and i will zombie my way into the pharmacy to buy tons of hpts and start my testing today.

I do have some symptoms.

- slightly sore boobs and nipples
- hungry all the time
- wakes up in the middle of the night to pee
- thirsty all the time
- tired
-slightly nauseous if i go hungry
- slight cramping
- bloatedness

Unsure if its progesterone induced mock symptoms or the real thing. -

Cant hurry readiness

2008-10-16T18:27:00.007+08:00

Fertility treatment is like a marathon, if you are mentally unready to run, it makes every step harder, alot harder. But if you are mentally set... then its a much easier journey. I am a 'ivf marathon' runner. Been running and had meet 3 bfn high walls.. but still am running. I can only do this not because my desire for a child is more than others, and not because i am less immune to disappointment than others.. But its because i am mentally ready for the run. So , my take is.. you cant hurry readiness, you will know when you are ready,I believe it wont take too long before you start running too.. because you are googling for fertility blog!

i am always hungry lately

2008-10-15T19:18:00.006+08:00

I think worrying takes up energy, I was so hungry today. The one good thing about 2 week's wait is that dieting is the last thing in my mind. And eating protein and satisfying myself in a gastronomic way take precedence.

For dinner, I went to Aston's at east coast. i had prime ribeye with baked potatoes and house salad as side. Had a mushroom soup which i find it way too bland, I ended up shaking lots of salt in it. i topped the meal off with a basket of garlic bread. I enjoyed my steak.

During my dinner, my conversation with my hubby was about 'to do or not to do hpt this weekend'. We calculated that if the half time of pregnyl is 33 hours. It will take 6 to 7 days to completely clear out of the system. Gosh, this waiting is a torture, it sure makes me hungry. And speaking of which, I am munching on a red bean nonya cake now.

Consolation is, at least this 'torture chamber ' that i am in let me indulge gastronomically.

I found the perfect 2 words describing 2 week's wait

2008-10-15T19:15:00.002+08:00

TORTURE CHAMBER

question from the comments page

2008-10-15T08:58:00.005+08:00

This morning, I received a comment asking some questions on IVF which i thought I would share here.

Question from commenter f:
Hi, i stumbled upon your blog when looking around for IVF in Singapore. I am 26 and my husband is 27. We have been trying for the past 1.5 years, with 8 cycles of Clomid and 1 cycle of IUI.The IUI failed and I had a very early miscarriage at bout 5 weeks with my first cycle of Clomid. My hubby wants us to try IVF.

How much did u spend in total and who did u go to?
My biggest concern is the emotional strain this will put on our relationship. Any advice?

Dear f, this is my answer:
The cost for IVF in KK hospital is typically around $6k to $8k.
NUH is about $1k to $2k more than kk.

The cost for IVF in a private clinic varies a bit more, typically $12k and above.

The government allow us to use medisave for the first 3 rounds. $6k, $5k and $4k respectively for 1st,2nd and 3rd round.

Recently, government allow IVF subsidy of up to 50% of up to 3k for up to 3 rounds of IVF.

Facing the struggles of conception is a challenge, no matter if you have chosen IUI or IVF or any other path. Btw, I read that IUI requires 3 or 4 tries to maximum success rate. I recalled seeing a graph on it somewhere. For many of the IVF cyclers, IUI is not an option because of the type of infertility condition. Do check with you doctor if you should continue with IUI or go to IVF straight.

Personally, I feel that IVF gives hope to my marriage. If there is no such thing as IVF for me, I may feel at the end of the rope. IVF gives both my husband and I hope of a family. I think choosing to do IVF when you are mentally ready will be the next best thing. All the best for your decision making.

4 more days before I do a HPT

2008-10-14T21:39:00.003+08:00

I am so full! I had dinner at Lagoon Food Village with my family. We had fish ball noodles, fried oysters, BBQ chicken wings, BBQ stingray, salted duck soup and rice, finished off with refreshing sugarcane drinks.

Afterwards, we went to the seaside for a stroll, my daughter enjoyed herself running around and looking at the ships nicely lit up across the horizon. The east coast stretch of beach is rather lovely in the night with nice breeze and tinted lights. As i held hands with my daughter, I wonder to myself of the possibility that i may already be pregnant with her sibling. Such a wonderful feeling.

We got into the car and realised that my daughter and I stepped on some dung, it was stinking up the car. Luckily we had some water to wash the souvenir off the bottom of our shoes. There is a saying that if you accidentally step on poo, it will bring one good luck.

6dp2dt

2008-10-12T10:18:00.003+08:00

I am sitting in the resting lounge at my husband's workplace right now as he is off to do some work. I read through some of my old entries while i was in my 2ww of my previous cycle. I note that the real anxiety came the moment i took the home pregnancy tests 12 or 13 days post egg retreival. I hope i will find the courage to not take a home pregnancy test until at least, this saturday. My beta blood test at the clinic is scheduled 23 october, that is like 19 days from my egg retreival or 17 days post transfer.

As for symptoms, I feel a little crampy around the abdomen area..around the ovaries. I feel like my taste buds changed and also i feel a little nauseas since yesterday. It might be the utrogestan, it could also means my embryos have implanted and my body is experiencing slight changes. I sure hope its implantation.

Pray for me.

Everyday news on the papers

2008-10-10T15:05:00.003+08:00

Everyday now, you hear of a piece of economic bad news. As the days goes by, we wonder how these news is going to impact us everyday people and we somehow worry how our assets and investments going to be. With the news of the foreign currency dip (namely Aussie dollars), one of my currency investment portfolio is depreciated by 30%.. just like that. I am not too worried about the depreciation as my plan is long term.

As we face more news of an unstable economy, i cant help but to ask myself what is truly important to me. I pause and i think and i know the answer clearly. It is all about relationships. The world may turn upside down, but as long as I have my family, my husband, my daughter, pregnancy and the Lord watching over us. I am a complete woman.

Just not too long ago, I recalled flipping through the local papers and being bombarded by the same depressing news. I think that was not many years ago, and i remember i would hunt for that piece of little good news, like how a child was saved or a good deed done.. and i would immerse myself in that goodness.

This time, I promise i will try to be a supportive and understanding wife to my husband who brings home the bigger dough for the family. I pray that during these times, we all learn about love and sharing, about giving and believing in our daily lives.

Its another few more days before i know if this 4th round of ivf worked or not. At the meantime, i should enjoy feeling hopeful and not be ridden with worrying of the outcome. After all, this 2ww may be as close as i can get to feeling pregnant again... if its unsuccessful.

You know, one of the lessons that i gained out of these long ivf journey.. other than patience .. is my relationship with God. I remember being really happy when i had my first bfp, and i was so thankful to God. Then while trying for my second child, I am bumped with miscarriage and bfns.. and each time i get angry and felt like God has forsaken me. I doubted my own trust level in the Lord, I asked myself if i have just believe a bit harder that God is going to grant me a BFP this time , then the cycle wouldnt have fail.. or i would have miscarriage. I went through the whole notion of being very prayerful to feeling of dejection and forsaken.. I could not understand why Lord would let me suffer. Now, I have a renewed relationship with the Lord. I have a deep unshakable Faith in me that I will be blessed with another child, its a matter of the Lord's timing because He sees a bigger picture than I do and knows what is best for me.

I pray that the Lord hears my heart's desire and not let me wait too long in receiving his Gift of a child. I pray that i will have the strength to continue towards my baby dream if this one is meant not to work. And I am thankful to God that I have the financial means to seek ivf treatments.

Meanwhile, I will just wait for the time to tick by... waiting for the moment... as i try to busy myself with the routines of life.....

Fetal Development Milestones

2008-10-10T08:28:00.000+08:00

Day 1: Fertilization occurs.
Day 6: Embryo implants in the uterus.
Day 18: Human heartbeat can be detected.
Day 21: Foundations for many organs are apparent.
Day 31: Human anatomy (arms, legs, etc.) develops.
Day 38: Every muscle block is present; baby begins moving independently.
Day 40: Brain waves can be detected.
6 Weeks: EKG and EEG can be done; fingers and toes are forming.
8 Weeks: Every organ system is present, baby is swimming in amniotic fluid.
12 Weeks: Baby has sleep/wake cycle, digests food, swallows, excretes, breathes amniotic fluid, has vocal cords, and cries.

Sad ending movie and progestrone is a definite cry baby moment

2008-10-09T14:14:00.003+08:00

It got to be the progesterone, it have to be the progesterone. i tell you why i said that. A moment ago, onto my 4th day of resting at home during my 2ww. I decided to watch this movie titled "Into the Wild". It sounds like a adventure show isnt it? Well it is, but it contains alot of depth in it , exploring the complexity of society's life and how one young man refuse to be conform by it and choose to live in the wild after his graduation. It tells a story of his journey and the people he met and how his life ended up... well i wont say too much in case you plan to watch it. At the end of the show ... i couldnt stop crying for a good 10 minutes. Its a touching and lovely movie. Its one of my favourite now. I suggest you dont watch it now if you are in your 2ww or else you may end up like me.... all progesterone fueled teary mess.

The matter of fact is, I suspect its not just the sad movie and the progesterone thats making me emotional. Its the fact that I have alot at stake to get this BFP in roughly 9 days time. After 1 miscarriage and 2 bfn in a row.... I am terrified ... I am terrified of another bfn. If there is a way of ensuring a bfp now, I may just do it. If eating a tubful of dreadful wasabi will give me a guaranteed bfp. I will.

Sorry to be so negative here. I shall get a grip of myself. Take a deep breathe, take a deep breathe... ooooooooo hooooooo. Ok I gotten a grip. I have to be courageous and be positive, it does not cost a dime to be positive. I shall embrace the freedom of positiveness.

My embies are in their blastocyst stage now. Anytime in the next day or 2, they will be implanting. About hpt (home pregnancy tests sticks). I target to start hpt on 12dp2dt, knowing me, i will probably be doing it in the late night of 11dp2dt.

2008-10-07T15:39:00.035+08:00

I have to post this! I was so bored with bed resting , so i browsed my ex personal trainer's website and i found my weight lost photos up there in the testimonial page. During my last session with him, i thought he was joking when he said that he is going to extract information and photos of my exercise blog and put it on his business site.

It goes like this...

Success Stories & Testimonials
The following testimonials pale in comparison to the clients' appreciation through their own mouths. We would be happy to let them tell you how satisfied they truly are.

~~~~~
The following is an abstract from a client's personal diary:
Initail phase of training: "If i didn't have the encouragement of my PT (Paul Kuck) and hubby, i would have gone south.... straight back to binging and not exercising and lamenting how i am meant to remain fat and unsightly. ...the next morning was my personal training session, i shared my thoughts with my trainer about how i feel like this weight battle is getting tough and demoralising, this weight gain over a 2 days binge was such a mental setback. We spoke about it and i felt much more encouraged.
My PT has this very special way of making people like me feel very comfortable about themselves and their bodies, its always my aim to find a PT that can put me at ease and focus on my weight lost. I am glad I found one. I had a good workout and Lord and behold, i felt rejuvenated again. Yes, my confidence has definitely been shaken a bit due to the weight gain, but i am still on track... not completely off tangent as it could have been".

Transformation Milestones (her results were still impressive, considering the lapses she had to deal with)
1st march 08 - 65kg
3rd april 08 - 62.5kg,
1 st may 08 - 60.5kg
1st july 08 - 58kg
31st August: 56.9kg

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking back, lowering my body mass index was one of my efforts to increase my chance of a BFP for this round of IVF. I desire a bfp so much my heart hurts now.

2008-10-07T15:39:00.013+08:00

A clip of my daughter when she was around 9 months old. Very cute action.

My baby is a morula today

2008-10-07T15:39:00.011+08:00

Constipation with a capital C!

2008-10-07T15:39:00.009+08:00

I have to blog about this! Please skip if you dont want to read about 'dump'.
I did not take a dump since last thursday, that was like 6 days back. Today i finally took one, i tried so hard not to exert but its impossible. I ended up exerting and did a great one. In fact, i felt like going to the loo last night, but was too scared to do so for fear my embies will be 'de-stablised', so i waited until this morning.

If you happen to read this. Can you share with me if you had episode/s of constipation during your 2 weeks wait?
I need assurance that i didnt harm my embies by taking a constipated dump.

1dp2dt

2008-10-07T14:32:00.010+08:00

This is a photo of my dear daughter praying for the embies to become her sibling/s.

My daughter is an ivf baby. I went through my first ivf , injections, scans, 2 weeks wait and a bfp and a smooth pregnancy and ceasarian to have her. She is truely an angel, a miracle, a comforter to me.

Over the past 1yr plus, i have undergone 1 fet and another 3 ivf cycles, 1 miscarriage and 2 bfn in a row, in order to have another miracle.

This is my 4th IVF and it is going to work. I hope the Lord will have mercy on me and bless me with a BFP in roughly 11 days time.

"I am pregnant now, until proven otherwise!"

The day my embies were transfered

2008-10-06T18:14:00.005+08:00

8 eggs was good for ICSI. Fertilization rate was 60% and i ended up with 3 embies ready to transfer with nothing left to freeze.The fertilization rate is really below standard, i wonder if the embryologist could have done a better job. I am kind of disappointed that i have no frosties but at the same time glad that i have 3 good embies to put in me today.

Ok, my embies are 2x 4 cells grade 4 and 1 x 2 cells grade 3 ( grade 5 being the best). My ET went really smoothly. I rested for 15 minutes before getting up and leaving.

For Luteal Phase Support, I will be given 4 dose of pregnyl 1000units each time at 4 days intervals. Also, i am on utrogestan 100mg twice a day. Folic acid, vitamin E, fish oil supplements daily too. I am also taking a doctor prescribed 75mg of aspirin daily in hope it helps with blood flow in the uterus. There are many articles on the net that supports the idea of low dose aspirin and many that does not support it too. Here is a bbc news that supports http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/329464.stm

So thus.... begin my 0dp2dt or day 0 after transfer of 2 day old embies.
I found a great local ivf support forum at http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/messages/5/154014.html?1223280306

and a christian ivf support forum at
http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/messages/5/1244527.html?1216780281

There are wonderful ladies there sharing about their journey through IVF.

Egg Retrieval

2008-10-04T15:31:00.005+08:00

went in to ivf centre this morning for my egg retrieval. i was told that 9 eggs were collected. i will have to wait until monday to know how many are matured and went on to fertlization.

Final scan - day 10 ( after 9 days of puregon)

2008-10-02T22:26:00.003+08:00

Here are the numbers
Right Ovaries; 21.5mm, 13.5mm,13.5mm,12mm
Left Ovaries; 18mm,15.5mm,15mm,12mm,10mm

I triggered HCG at 8pm tonight. My egg retrieval is scheduled on Saturday morning.

My butt is quite sore from the HCG injection. The injection hurt quite a bit, the sheer look of of th needle scared me, it was the length of my index finger. It needed to be this long in order to reach the muscle tissue.

Each time i go through an IVF cycle, i feel nearer to God, strangely. At this very moment, He is like the only one in the universe that knows for sure if this IVF cycle will work, I do hope the time is right and this IVF will be very successful.

Back to the injections.. Come to think of it, I am not afraid of needles. I always felt jabbing myself with stimulation drugs was a breeze as those needles are pretty small. BUT, the HCG needle that my husband brought from the pharmacy really freaked me tonight. I couldnt stop giggling seconds before the pierce, that is what i do when i get really nervous.

Comparing my final scan result with my previous ivf cycle's, i think the sizes looks somewhat better this time round. Could it be the 2 months supplements of DHEA that i took? Could it be the 8kg weight lost since my last cycle? Could it be a miracle from above, waiting to happen?
Whatever it is, I am thankful my stimulation stage went rather smoothly considering i am a poor responder with low antral follicle counts.

Dreaming..

2008-10-01T17:35:00.007+08:00

In my ideal world, i will be able to harvest at least 9 fantastic eggs, fertilisation will be excellent and i will have 3 perfect embryos to transfer with somemore to freeze.. and the outcome of my IVF will be positive and 9 months from now, I will deliver a pair of healthy twins. 1 boy 1 girl. husband and i, my 2 years old and my twins .. we will live happily ever after together with our 2 pekingese dogs. Life will be great. Life will be so great.

3rd scan - follicle development during stimulation stage

2008-09-30T20:01:00.003+08:00

I am feeling very bloated all over today. Feeling extremely fatigue too. I took a nap this afternoon, something i dont do at all normally. My follicles have growth bigger. The size of the 9 follicles are; right ( 18mm, 12.5mm, 12mm, 12mm ) left (14mm, 14mm, 11mm, 9.5mm, 8mm ). It grew an average of 1.5mm to 2mm per day. I am instructed to continue with my puregon for tomorrow and come in for my 4th scan on thursday 2nd sept.

It seems like most of my colleagues came to know about my IVF plans. I did tell two of my colleagues as i will be taking a week's leave next week for ER and ET so i had to inform them. I do not feel ashamed or guilty or shy about having to undergo IVF. But.. I must say deep down in me, i am still a bit self conscious about what these people will say or think of me. I owe it to my lovely daughter and medical technology, to the miracle and to women to strive to eliminate any of such self conscious feelings. Women undergoing IVF should be applauded at , should be cheered on, should be encouraged.. after all, it is for a noble reason.

3rd scan for follicle development - day 7 of Puregon

2008-09-29T13:22:00.003+08:00

Dear Blogadiary,

I want to scream out loud. I want to hide my head in my pillow and bury myself until this IVF process is over. This is my fourth round and i cant help feeling so worried if its going to work or not. I am hovering along the thin line of hope and fear, of anticipation and worries.

So far, my follicles are growing. To begin with, I had 7 resting follicles sized at 8, 5,4,4,4,4,4. Today after 6 injections of puregon at dose of 600iu per day, i have 9 follicles sized at 16.5, 13, 11.5, 10, 9.5, 8.5, 8, 8, 6.

I am worried. I am worried. I am worried. I need to relax and take it easy. Everything is beyond my control at this moment. Dear body of mine, pls produce excellent quality eggs, as many as you can out of those follicles.

The thing about IVF is... its not the pain.. its never about the pain! Its about the anticipation and the worrying during the wait.

Ok, i need to relax my mind, i have to believe i am trying the best for the best outcome. There is really nothing more i can do at this moment except to wait and go through with the process with optimism.

Negatism is not the way to self preservation. Optimism is!

Appointment with new fertility specialist at KKH

2008-08-12T10:11:00.002+08:00

I have arranged for a consultation with Dr Sahdana at KKH. She is one of the senior consultant. I plan to get her to do a Antral Follicle Count and also find out if she will be able to be the main decision maker for my entire process, instead of getting covering doctors of the day to decide if i should up or down my dose, trigger or not. I plan to choose my embryologist too. I had experienced with 3 in KKH and I still prefer the first embryologist because she is so sweet and willing to explain when im have questions.

I figured that if I go to KKH, the bill will be half that of raffles hospital. The success rate is almost the same. This coming sept/oct round i hope is the final successful round, but if its not, at least i am not stressed out by the humongous bill. This being my 4th round of IVF, does not come with medisave use. I have to pay cold hard cash, every single penny of it.

Mentally, I am ready for my next IVF to start asap. Soon i will be flooding this blog with many entries documenting my IVF process and my feelings along with it.

I hope anyone in the same predicament as me can seek information,if not, solace here. Knowing you are not alone is an important process in coping.

Hugs to every single women out there who requires fertility treatment. Rock on..!

antral follicle count result after 2 months of DHEA

2008-07-26T09:51:00.004+08:00

Went for my day 2 antral follicle count yesterday. Turned out that I have the exact same numbers of antral follicles as my previous ivf cycle. I have 8 to 9 and some are below 5mm ( 5mm is the average size for potential respond during ivf). I feel quite afraid to know i have to begin another cycle soon with the same kind of stats. So after 2 months of DHEA, it didnt do much for my diminishing ovarian reserve. So disappointing.

My gynae seem to be only interested in getting me to start asap. I cant help feeling its for her own interest in doing so.

I have made an appointment for my next antral follicle count with another fertility doctor.

After knowing that my antral follicle count has not improve, I am feeling some trepitations and the fear of another unsuccessful ivf becomes very very real again.

I am so tired of trying, but have to go on, I have no choice. The reward of a baby is just too worth it.

I wish i am in a ivf support group or any form of ivf emotional support, cant seem to find one here..

Still blogging

2008-07-05T14:44:00.002+08:00

I am still blogging. You can find me at http://cocoonbutterfly.blogspot.com . Some updates on my baby quest ;

I have dropped from 145 pounds/ 65 kgs to 128 pounds / 58 kgs since my last failed fresh cycle antagonist IVF attempt in feb/march this year. I plan to be around 120 pounds / 55kgs before i begin the next IVF in roughly 3 months time. The weight lost is acheived in a healthy and no shortcut way, that is through cardio exercise and weight training and food portion control. I believe that being in a healthy bmi of 21 will help in acheiving pregnancy.

I am also taking DHEA pills of 50 mg daily. Took it for a month now. This is done in hope of rejuvenating my ovaries as i have read from some studies done on women with diminishing ovarian reserve and women over 40 of age. Apparently, it helped some produce better quality and quantity of eggs. So i am giving a 4 months try at this. Some side effects i encountered so far is a slight increase in transitional acne ( i am prone to breakouts, esp pre menses, so this is not surprising for me) and regulated menses cycle. A normal cycle for me is 35 to 38 days, but since taking DHEA for a month, my menses came on the 28 day. Perhaps it is a coincidence.... I will be monitoring my next cycle.

I am taking wheat grass pills too, but the pills are too large and plenty to shallow a day , so i take it only occasionally when i feel up for swallowing those huge pills.

I need to begin monitoring my antral follicle count in my next cycle. I am still on a look out for a good IVF specialist, I may consider using the same IVF specialist as my last IVF if i cant find a better one. The specialist is good, but I felt so much pain from the vagina clamp she used to open me up during ET. I never had problems with those clamps with my previous experience. I hope it is an isolated incident and is the fault of the type of clamp she used and not so because she did it unskillfully. Other than the clamp incident, of course.. the blood taking incident i blogged about in my previous entry, also makes me think twice about going back to that centre. Having said all these, this is the same specialist that gave me my miracle ivf success on my very first ivf. Decisions , decisions, decisions....

If you are interested to hear more about my weight lost quest and life pre 4th IVF attempt... do check me out at http://cocoonbutterfly.blogspot.com. Drop me a message or so, greatly appreciate some support in this lonely but worthwhile quest.

perhaps a new blog

2008-03-17T00:39:00.002+08:00

i am kind of attached to this blog. I know it is not the most suitable place to talk about other things in my life other than infertility. But each time i am feeling down after the bfn, i will seek refuge here in this blog... just merely coming to this blog and re reading what i have written reconnects me with myself again. And how it is ok for me to feel the way i am feeling now. And when i need some kind words, i will read those kind comments written by some kind souls out there... This blog helped me a great deal. Just that i dont know if it is the most suitable place right now to be blogging about my other things like dieting , rediscovering myself and finding beauty in me again.

A good movie and great book

2008-03-16T09:48:00.006+08:00

I really enjoyed August Rush the movie, about a child music prodigy who is abandoned as a child and about his love for music and the mother he never saw. It was extremely touching and the performance of the actors and actress were excellent. One of those movies that lingers on in my mind hours and days after.

One of those memorable quote " The music is all around you, all you have to do is listen. " really strike a cord with me. I was in the long supermarket queue last night and was feeling mildly anxious, then i stopped and listen... and realised that there it was.. the pipe music in the background, i focused on the music and i became relaxed and the noisiness of the place dies down. I vote it the best movie i have watched this year and the last.

Also i am currently reading this great book about a woman's battle with infertility, just started so cant comment much, but its interesting right from the first page. It come recommended by Oprah book club.